Three Years and Another Bad Cowboy Poem

It's been three years ago today that my Dad passed away. The photo above is the last shot I have of us together. It was taken in May of 2008.

My Dad left behind a lot of questions and having those questions go unanswered, has left behind some hurt. But this morning, I remembered my Dad by making up a smoothie that he would have admired. Because, you see, he believed strongly that you should eat as many of the "superfoods" as you can daily. Unfortunately, that regimen only goes so far when you have cancer. Still, he'd start off the day with a breakfast cereal combination that included:

• Blueberries
• Cranberries
• Broccoli (yes, broccoli)
• Oats and other high fiber grains
• Walnuts
• Yogurt
• And any other fruit laying around

Along with his breakfast concoction, Dad would have a cup of green tea. And may the saints and angels protect you if you threw out his tea bag before he'd gotten at least two cups of tea out of it!

The smoothie I had in Dad's honor this morning was a bit different, but I squeezed in some superstuff too. It consisted of:

• Almond milk
• One frozen banana
• Yogurt
• Oats
• Protein powder
• Wheat germ
• Flax
• And pumpkin puree

I also made a cup of mango green tea out of a loose leaf tea. But I can only carry tradition so far. No way was I reusing those soggy, spent leaves. Hopefully, as I raised my glass of tea and smoothie glop, Dad saw me and appreciated the gesture of rememberance, because I really do treasure our shared breakfast moments. They were way too few and far between.

And once again, I celebrate my Dad's life with a bit of bad cowboy poetry. When I read through the poem,  I feared my sentiments may be misunderstood. Our family has a "unique" sense of humor and ways of expressing our feelings, so I hope you'll see it in that light.

For the Love of a Cowboy Dad

You tried to make us strong

Denied us soft, foo foo stuff

You showed us independent ways

Your talk and actions were off the cuff

I came into the family circle late 

but blood carried things nonetheless

It appears that all along

I was blessed with emotional mess

Your strong, yet tender hugs 

Made me feel so loved and safe

They contradicted your aura of tough

And made me less of a poor, rootless waif

Men have been a disappointment

Don't love or stay long enuff

I wish you'd shown me men can be different

It wouldn't have made you a powder puff

Don't mean to say I don't love you

Or be verbally rough

Just wish you'd picked your children

To believe in and treat other than gruff

Yeah, sure, I miss you, 

I muttered to the air

Whatever our family was and is

It can only be described as rare

Fashion Show

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I am no fashionista. I try sometimes but have neither the time, patience, nor money. Especially when you don't have a lot of money, you need the first two attributes -- time and patience -- to find the good deals. And fashion sense helps. I do best when accompanied on shopping trips by a second set of eyes to help me know when I've gone way off course.

Yesterday I had a fun shopping outting with my friend Cheryle, who always finds the best stuff at second hand stores so I wanted to study her method.

We first hit the Goodwill where Cheryle found adorable baby clothes, like any good grandma would do.

I on the other hand was all about me. I found a great winter hat and a few sweaters. Yes, winter has arrived, although we did get a bit of a 50 degree reprieve today.

(A note of explanation on crummy picture quality. We were both struggling with the button on my  IPhone and got some phone bauble plus the lighting was what you would call "harsh".)

After Goodwill, we went a bit more upscale and hit "Green Planet Clothing and Consignment". I was getting the impression that this shopping thing is kind of like a treasure hunt. You have to be on your game and not let your friend beat you to the treasure chest. 

I liked this sweater but it was a heavy wool and I didn't think I'd wear it often enough.

This one I did buy. I'm discovering I like orange, especially during hunting season.

But this was my real find of the day! I love this coat! It makes me feel giddy!

The coat shot was taken in my bathroom, after my haircut appointment. My hair looks like this once every eight weeks, when my stylist blows it straight and curling irons it. I wish I was more coordinated with my hair and could do that myself!

After the shopping trip, Cheryle and I also went riding. I keep forgetting to take photos of Luke when I'm at the barn so you'll have to settle for a couple more photos of Java and Latte, taken on our walk today.

I hope you have (or had, depending on when you are reading this) a very grateful-filled and Happy Thanksgiving! 

Seeing

Have you ever looked through your camera lens and seen something you've never noticed before?

Have you ever looked back at your life and seen a you that you didn't expect, a new angle come to light?

I see the humor in a tongue flick and smile. A dog's version of bunny ears perhaps?

I see the mystery in clouds floating on water and feel dreams rising to the surface.

I see the stark bravado of a tree standing alone in a field of grass and stand a little bit straighter myself.

I see these things and am very glad that I stopped to notice.

First Snow Wimpage

This weekend did not go according to plan. Some very wet snow, followed by a dive in temperatures brought out the wimp in me, I'm embarrassed to report. Instead of being outdoors, I went into cooking and nesting mode.

Saturday, I needed to use up my remaining bread dough so I made three more baguettes, only I went with one pound loaves instead of half of a pound.

Then I had some tomatoes that needed to be used up so those went into a scrambled eggs mixture with cumin, onions, oregano (my oregano plant needed pruning) and red peppers.

Then, just because, I made flourless monster cookies with oatmeal, M & M's, butterscotch and dark chocolate chips and raisins (and the usual sugars and butter). The oatmeal and dark chocolate mean that I can call them "healthy". Dang it! I was going to throw some wheat germ in too!

Good thing I've started doing the elliptical every morning again to burn off the extra calories.

And, yawn, I cleaned house and did laundry.

So my photography field trip and coffee shop visit plans had to be taken down a notch. I stayed pretty close to home and visited Avant Garden coffee shop, home of the Anoka Mocha. I have never tasted coffee quite this sinful. Holy moly! I better not make this a habit.

We got our first snow, which was a pathetic inch or so, but durn pretty. 

It looked very sparkly in the spotlights, highlighting the new Falls Cafe that just opened in the area. There's not much to choose from as far as restaurants close by so I can't wait it to try out this place.

Calling my photography jaunt a "field trip" is a bit of a stretch since it consisted of a walk to our usual river haunt.

Java: "Nope! I wasn't eating grass. Uh uh!" 

Latte: "You are so busted."

So yeah, that's all I have for you. A river. Talking dogs. And I'll throw in some icicles for good measure.

I have gotten in several more hours of torturous writing. I'm just trying to mindlessly carry on and be extra kind to myself to deal with the feelings rising up. Maybe I DO need another Anoka Mocha...

I figure if I can push through feeling like shit for awhile, I will toughen up, realize emotions can't kill you (even if they suck) and this will become easier.

I will get into the story and the joy of writing again will take over.

At least that's the theory. 

Stop laughing!

Memories

I have started to write. And this has meant going back through old blog posts and journals, looking at the journey I've been on. Much of it is not too pleasant to remember. But I think it's important to look at the story from the perspective I have now and allow the story or poetry or whatever it is to simply unfold. 

But then it is important to come back and ground myself in everything that is now because, of course, life goes on. 

There are dogs to walk and I now feel a bit more urgency to run out and find the Brew Babes and I some reflective gear for our evening walks in the dark. Even with my head lamp turned on and with Java having a blinking light on her collar, we were a scream and a leap's distance away from being hit by a car the other night. I'm not sure the reflective gear will actually make a difference as it appears it's only "some" drivers that don't notice us, but I'm anxious to give it a try to protect my girls and I.

I made my first attempt at doing something other than a "loaf" of bread and made baguettes. They are good for slicing in half and then lengthwise for sandwiches and are loaded with healthy flaxseed and rosemary.

I went to a beginner yoga class last Monday and it was much more suitable for me than the Vinyassa Yoga class I went to previously. However, the s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g and held poses ("Just breathe," she said) were brutal and my stomach muscles are still sore.

I went to a Thai Bodywork appointment last evening and feel a bit looser than I did before the appointment. I think the things I enjoyed the most were the infrared heating pad I got to lay on and the smell of the steamed lemon grass, ginger, camphor, and anise that were pressed against my muscles before my limbs were stretched and squeezed.

But back to my writing, here's a taste of where I'm heading. The photos are from February of 2009 (before the Big Bang). I bet for a minute there you thought we had a snow storm here. I wish!

"I breathed in their dampness. Watched the steam rising. Blew into their noses and wiped the icicles from their whiskers. I like the feeling of the barn at this time of night. I feel safely tucked away from the demands of the office and the speed of life. I am comforted by the soft munching and woosh-woosh noise as muzzles burrow into and toss hay, looking for I don’t know what.

I may hate coming out in the cold and wind rather than hibernating inside the house as most people do during winter evenings, but I know I will always cherish these moments. I will always remember the safe feeling of the barn as the wind howled outside. I will always remember how I cooed to my horses as their ears flicked forwards and back at the sound of metal squeeking and branches scraping. I will always remember the body heat of my horses, the wet rich smell of them, their hot breath against my face and neck. I will always remember their appreciative looks as I tended to them and chipped away at the iceballs in their hooves that annoyingly turned steady flat feet into rocking horse bows. 

I will always remember these moments and when all that remains are the memories, I will blanket myself in them, close my eyes and feel and smell and hear my horses as real as they are right now. " 

Living Versus Desiring

All suffering is caused by human desire, particularly the desire that impermanent things be permanent. 
-- One of the Four Nobel Truths of Buddhism

No master plan here

I move

On the next thought

And the next

Not delaying 

No contemplating

Or reasoning

Instead of desiring

I choose to do

And then

It just is

For now

Chipping Away While Sipping Coffee

When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone-cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it would split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before together. 
-- Jacob A. Riis, journalist and social reformer (1849-1914)

Last Saturday, I started a scheme of combining a weekly photography field trip with a stop at a nearby coffee shop to sample one of their specialty coffee drinks and spending at least a couple hours writing. You can read a more detailed account about how this mind game that I'm playing works over on Vision and Verb.

My first photography field trip was to the railroad yard. 

I drive past it on the way to work and noticed the surrounding buildings' toasty red roofs gleaming in the sun one day as I came over a bridge. Unfortunately, Saturday the sun was not in the right gleaming mode and there is so much electrical line and fence clutter. So let's call it urban reality and put a positive spin on the images...

There were also a lot of birds at the railroad yard -- I suppose because there is a lot of grain on the ground that must spill from the cars and grain elevators.

I thought the pattern and twists of train tracks would make some cool photos but the fences and road limited where I could position myself. And did I mention the shadows falling from buildings? I was fighting glare and shadow combinations. Alas, my photo experience did not exactly turn out the way I had envisioned it in my head. I guess being able to overcome those kinds of challenges is what makes you a REAL photographer. Practice...

But it was still fun watching the trains move around and checking out some of the graffiti.

After the train photos, Steve and I went to The Coffee Shop Northeast. It is located in a cute little neighborhood in NE Minneapolis. The place had a constant stream of people going in and out.

They even have a place to hook your dogs' leashes up to.

I tried the Pumpkin Pie Latte. I wondered if it was going to be overly sweet but it was perfect -- a latte with enough pumpkin taste to it to make it even more yummy.

I worked on my book, while Steve worked on his work (poor guy), with occasional screen breaks to people watch. After a couple hours, we walked outside and discovered that a day that had started out ugly and cold had turned gorgeous. We zoomed to my house to take the Brew Babes for a walk at the park where I did a little more photography. We are into that monotone time of year...

I think these weekend outings are going to help get my writing back on course. And what a great excuse to try out fancy coffee drinks!

But just writing for a few hours in a coffee shop isn't going to get me very far so the plan is to also write for an hour a night in between. That has not been going so well because life has been getting in the way. But I think if I keep doing the field trips, I'll get back into the story, and the working in the evenings during the week will get easier.

It's like what the quote I started out this post with says, I know this writing thing is going to break open if I keep chipping away at it.

My Name is Maery and I am Grateful

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." -- Melody Beattie

November is the month to remember all that we are grateful and thankful for. I was just saying to Steve today that I'm kind of worrying a bit lately about when the next bout of trouble is coming. I don't think I've ever gone so long without something terrible happening. Isn't it crazy that I spend time worrying about life going too well?

But I don't know if life is going so much better than it went in the past. Okay, so maybe it is better but still, I think it's more that my perspective has changed, and that many things that would have thrown me under the bus I now look at as simply part of being a living, breathing human being. Things happen and you deal with them and go on, always keeping your eye on all the things that are wonderful and gorgeous about living.

I'm amazed at how different life looks from the viewpoint I've gained through pain and struggle. Simple things are no longer simple but are part of all that I cherish.

Speaking of simple and because I hate being too serious, I haven't given you a worm update lately. See these lovely tomatoes? These are tomatoes, brought into the house in a vivid green state the night of the big freeze many weeks ago and placed in a brown paper bag. I decided I better check on them and waaalaaa! They had turned a beautiful red and taste  as though they were ripened on the vine. I love the paper bag miracle! And I am certain it is some sort of metaphor and at one point I was one of those green tomatoes... So what does this have to do with worms?

There were a few tomatoes in the bag that were still green and were turning raisin like, probably because they'd been damaged in earlier frosts. Those went into the worm bin, along with coffee grounds, banana peels, apple cores, and other food wastes.

(Sorry the photos are a bit blurry. I'm still working on my camera setting skills in low light.)

I rotate where I dig holes into the worm bin dirt to bury the garbage. Everything composts really well except for egg shells. The worms need the calcium and grit to digest food but the shells are slow to  break down so I'm starting to pulverize them and will see if that helps the process.

Such happy, healthy worms! And such hard workers!

So that's the garbage side of food. Below is the production side of food -- dough to make bread tomorrow.

And while the dough was rising, I was making tomato sauce for lasagna. After simmering, I put the mix into my food processor to make it more sauseyish.

I've never made lasagna before and wouldn't you know, I picked a doozy of a complicated veggie lasagna recipe. But it was fun chopping, simmering, sauteing, and layering. I also love recipes where I can use my own fresh herbs. The finished lasagna tasted better than perhaps the photo portrays (too much white light).

Cooking for me, like so many things, is about experimentation and improving. From this recipe, which by the way came out of my yoga book, which also has health and nutrition information, I think I learned not to place the veggies in such a neat, engineer-style pattern. Next time I would toss veggies randomly about. I would also cook the sauce until it was thicker. But the taste of the lasagna was great, especially the addition of sunflower seeds, so I would definitely make it again.

Life's simple pleasures and having a hand in making them happen, that's what I'm grateful for.

This is My Brain

[WARNING! I think I sound a bit crazy sometimes, but really, do not be alarmed! My brain is just on high percolation lately and I'm letting go and letting it do it's thing.]

Free thinking

Free writing

Living large

But not gluttonously

Make more things 

From scratch

Stop fighting my hair 

With expensive products

This one will work for sure!

No! No!

The hair will not be defeated!

Freshen the look

With accessories

That's the answer

A colorful scarf

Hat

Belt

Boots

So many boots!

Necklaces and pins 

Piled one on top of the other 

A toss of the hair

Or would it be too short?

Wispy and romantic

Perhaps a drapey shawl

No, no

Dark sunglasses

Funk

Unusual

Creative expression 

On the cheap

Just cut out meat

Beans and rice 

Jazzed up 

With fresh herbs

Grown in the bathroom

And laundry room

Rituals

Comfort

Mint tea

Curling up with a book

Writing, writing, writing

Daily photos

A slice of life

Candle light

Flickering shadows

Creative bloomation

Peace-filled reminders

Post It Notes 

Daily inspiration

Try something new

More days off

Rest

A down-filled comforter

Dogs curled in covers

Hot water bottles

That never grow cold

Hot chocolate

With whip cream

Gratitude

Meditation

Moments of silence 

Feed the eyes and the soul

Catching sunrises and sunsets

Meditative walks

Horse mane

Wound through fingers

As I pull myself up

Growing

Weeding

Letting go 

Of old dreams 

Wave bye bye

Look out!

Bigger dreams comin'!

Good Fortune

Do you believe in magic?

Or that you should pay attention

to fortunes in cookies?

Do you believe you can do it?

Whatever "it" is?

Do you believe that a heart

That's been broken

Can be whole again?

I do

Most fortunes that I receive in cookies are pretty darn lame and meaningless, but the one I opened today was a real fortune. This is a "good omen". The missing "r" in "your" makes it all the better.

The gardening message came after I registered for a two day bee keeping class next March. All the arguments against signing up for this class -- I can't afford it; I don't have the time; It's expensive to get started in bee keeping; lots of hives fail; and I don't know if I can do it -- all fell by the wayside as I filled out the class application and pushed submit.

The arguments for taking the class ruled my mind -- I'm really interested in bee keeping from a scientific, getting close to nature point of view; It would be great if having bees somehow helps my gardens do better; Jars of honey would make great gifts; There's only one way to find out if I can handle bee keeping, and if I can't, I'll be happy having learned about bee keeping anyway; and the best reason of all... I love honey and it would be great to have homegrown honey on my home baked bread (this is my favorite loaf so far with pumpkin, sunflower, and sesame seeds).

So there you have it. Big gardens. Bees. And big dreams.

And thanks for the ideas on handling my "real" job and my "for the love of it" job -- writing. One idea I had was to set a goal to find one new place to write weekly (if I can pull that off) or at least monthly and making a big outing of it - a mix of a writing and photography field trip. Maybe a goal of trying one new fancy coffee drink per trip too.  Did someone say "road trip"?

And of course, I'd write all about what I find on these short jaunts. So anyone else looking for a good place to write, take photos, or get a good Latte will know where to go.

On second thought, is there any such thing as a good Latte?