A Warming Trend

It reached the low 70s today.
Cloudy and muggy but an event just the same.

The warm, humid weather has brought out the gnats already.

As I rush around after work each day, it seems like there is too much to do and not nearly enough time. I'm sure no one out there can relate to this feeling.

It would be so nice to work part time... just for a year... if only...

With so much spinning in my head, I needed some quiet walk time. Time to listen to frogs and birds and look in the woods for interesting angles

And textures

Twists

And fuzz

Java was her usual blurry bundle of buzzing busyness.

While I found some peace to take back home with me.

At the Top?

"They take pictures of climbers at the top of the mountain. They're smiling, triumphant. They don't take picture along the way, because who wants to remember the rest of it. We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level, nobody takes picture of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That's what keeps us climbing. And it's worth the pain. That's the crazy part. It's worth anything." -- Grey's Anatomy, March 11, 2010

I've kind of gone against the main principle in this Grey's Anatomy quote --  here I've been spilling my guts all over the place; showing every bloody, gross wound; every slip and fall along the way. Ah well, I want to remember where I've been. You never know when you're going to get slapped upside the head with a big bomb again. I want to remember how to pull myself out of the ravine.

And plus I'm not really on my way to the top. What would possibly be the top anyway? Everyday has something wonderful in it. Is that moment the top? I don't know. I don't want to know. I am loving the journey right now. All of it. There are still moments of self-doubt, of questions I can't answer, and the stress that goes with that. Yet, after feeling the stress and fear, I move towards the excitement of not knowing, of wanting to see what's around the corner. Because the one thing I have seen and do know, things just fall into place if you get the hell out of the way.

I don't know if I have ever before felt this good and been this optimistic. That scares me a little bit. I know about the good going bad. But I refuse to worry.

The writing class that I had on Friday and Saturday was called. "How to Plan, Write, and Develop a Book" and was taught by Mary Carroll Moore. Mary is a wonderful teacher and also has a great blog on writing. The funny thing was that not only did her book planning lecture and the exercises she had us do give me all sorts of writing ideas and "ah hah" moments, they also jogged insights on my life's journey. Weird right?

When my X and I first married, I felt like it was the beginning of my life. And when he declared he was divorcing me, I felt like it was the end of my life. As I look at it now, as I start to come back into myself and do the things that I love and be with the people I love being with, I realize I had it all wrong. I was on hold for quite awhile. I won't say that this is the beginning, because that discounts the rest of my life, and more and more I see that even the ugliest parts of my life -- well, I'd still rather have skipped them, but -- I can now at least appreciate how much I know because of the things I've been through. And not feel icky about it all the time.

About the most valuable thing I learned in the class, and believe me, I learned a ton, but the thing I've already been putting into use is something Mary called "managing creative tension". When writers have written something particularly difficult or that they feel is especially brilliant or have just come up with an amazing idea, they often feel this immense energy or tension. It can be uncomfortable. To me, it feels like I am going to explode or that it's just too much.

At these times, writer's often want to find a way to dissipate this energy or share it with someone. It feels like too much to hold in.

Mary's recommendation -- Don't do it! Sit with your feelings for awhile. Allow the energy to be. Then take a walk, listen to music, cook, whatever it takes to deal with having that feeling. Because if you go to someone else too soon, you may lose this energy that you need to sustain you in the long run so you can complete what you started.

The person you go to might not share your enthusiasm. They might even criticize your idea. They might ask you questions you aren't prepared to answer because you haven't yet fully developed your idea or your creation. They may rob you of your energy and enthusiasm. Give it time to incubate.

My first opportunity to try following this principle came while I was singing at church and suddenly realized that my book is not about what I thought it was and that the story starts with something completely different than what I was thinking. I don't even like this discovery. It changes everything and will take me somewhere I didn't really want to go. But this is another thing we were told to watch for, that eventually the book may start to talk to us. Oh, great! All I need is another voice in my head...

So I am now incubating this exciting but somewhat unwelcome revelation, and will be doing so until I can fully develop this new direction and see if it really works. Books are journeys in themselves. You never know exactly how they'll turn out.

I also was able to use this management of tension idea on questions and thoughts that have been troubling me lately. It was another tip from Mary, that sometimes you just need to live with unanswered questions. Just jot them down and forget about them for now. The answers often come if we just leave them alone.

I certainly didn't expect to learn ways to be more at peace with life itself from a class on planning and writing books, but somehow, that's what I received.

Mary has a class on revising your draft coming up in October. That gives me deadline to shoot for. I wonder what besides revision I'll learn in that class?

Women Who Run With the Wolves

It was my birthday today. I kind of think of birthdays as similar to New Year's Eve, a time to reflect on where I've been since my last birthday and where I'm going, and whether I'm going where I want to go, which made me start thinking about wolves, packs of wolves. Stay with me, my leap of topic will all make sense, I promise.

I was brought up to believe that you never let anyone see your weaknesses. You also never allow anyone to see what's important to you or to see you too happy because this "seeing" brings in the wolves. They circle and they attack, not trying to take away your life, but trying to take away your joy.

Isn't that a heck of a belief system to bring up a child with? Unfortunately, in my life, this bit of wisdom has turned out more often than not to be true.

Living is risky. Loving is definitely risky. You open yourself up. You let people in and in doing so, you make yourself vulnerable.

But it's like the choice between going through the pain of a situation or not -- not going through it means not living and what kind of option is that? Things can and generally do turn around before they flip flop and go south again. I'm learning that these ups and downs both have their pluses and minuses.

People say I'm such a strong woman because I keep picking myself up from life's circumstances and have found a way to turn sadness into humor.

But I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. I'm too wishy washy. I am prone to allowing people to tell me what to think and do. If you're happy, I'm happy, or at least I try to be. Truthfully, sometimes I'm a little resentful.

Wanting to make other people happy is not a bad thing, but it needs to be moderated by a solid set of values, things that you just won't compromise on because they are too important and to compromise on those things will leave marks. To give on some things is to sell your soul.

Words are intrinsically important to me. Expressing myself, being heard, and reading and listening to what other people have to say. A pretty funny do or die value for a person who is verbally and socially awkward, who lives so much insider her head.

But that holding back and keeping myself to myself comes from those childhood beliefs. The thing is, I'm not a child anymore. I need to learn to take rejection and not see it as a measure of my worth. After all, perhaps I just haven't been hanging with trustworthy people. Perhaps, I've been running with the wrong pack.

Have you ever read "Women Who Run with the Wolves" and I would add to the title, "Instead of Running Away From Them"? It's about the Wild Woman archetype as expressed in myths and stories. Parts of it are a little bit "out there" and you might snicker, but here's an example of what's in the book:

To adjoin the instinctual nature... means to establish territory, to find one's pack, to be in one's body with certainty and pride regardless of the body's gifts and limitations, to speak and act in one's behalf, to be aware, alert... to find what one belongs to, to rise with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as we can."... [The Wild Woman] resides in the guts, not in the head." -- Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

My Wild Woman day included riding Luke for the first time this year.

He was full of energy. Since I was trying to constrain the forward propulsion, the energy went into a lifting in place, at times it was a floating springiness, other times a nasty jackhammer pounding. But Luke listened and did what I asked as best he could, with his winter coat and lack of conditioning, and rusty forgetfulness. Poor guy --  he looked like this after just a light 40 minute ride. Too bad Paint Girl doesn't live closer so she could do her clipping magic.

It was wonderful to be riding again. It was smiley, feel goodness to be outside and in-tune. I sometimes think my ego is getting the best of me, but riding feels so right to me, so natural. It's where I belong and feel like I know what I'm doing. It's where I feel connected and I feel reassured that I can handle whatever comes my way.

As an additional birthday treat, I went to dinner with my good friend Bev. We went to a place called Northeast Social Club, where we've never been before but would definitely go back. Good food, awesome conversation, and lots of laughs. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful friend. And better yet, Bev, Lynn and I have a writing class together on Friday and Saturday. I solemnly swear that I am finishing one of the books that I've started before the end of the year!

I heard the frogs last night and knew that spring is here. I had forgotten about them, how I love that sound, how wherever I live, I want to open my windows at night and hear the frog symphony.

My poor realtor, she has quite a challenge ahead of her. Maery's housing requirements --  trees and toads.

Ebb and Flow of Things

At 7 AM Saturday morning, it was 18 degrees. It was feeling like winter again. Back to plugging in the heaters.

Tank heater

Bucket heater

Kitty water bowl heater

And barn pump heater

The mud froze into a rough, uneven, twisted ankle hazard.

But Java was thrilled to find a new cache of poopsicles.

Between having lunch with a friend and going to an extra afternoon choir rehearsal today, Java and I went for a walk at the Rum River.

The river is high but it has dropped some since yesterday. You can tell how much if you look closely at the trees and see the wet bark, showing how high the river had been.

The walking path disappeared in a couple places. Here Java and I were able to go off to the side of the path to make our way around the water.

Here we had to go quite a bit off course, taking a horse trail uphill and around.

Some of the horse trails were flooded also.

At the worst spot of flooding, a woman was sitting beside the river and she told me, "This is as far as I could go so I thought I'd just sit and contemplate. There is something so beautiful about the river when it's like this."

And she's right. This isn't a raging flooded river, like the ones that make the news. It's come up into the flood plains, with no danger of flooding anyone's home or washing any cars away. And it is beautiful and amazing -- the cycle of things -- the ebb and flow.

Sorry, I'm waxing poetic on you. Mainly because I don't know how to describe the way that rivers make me feel.

They each have their own personality, some just amble peacefully along like the Rum, while others are filled with rapids and sharp rocks. And just like humans, rivers are changeable. There are times of flood and times of drought and the resulting algae filled sludgyness.

And as I watch the river I only know that it is going somewhere -- I'm not sure where. And maybe that explains the kinship I feel.

Tasty Little Dream Bits

Roxanne of Champion of My Heart commented on my Digging Up Dreams post, reminding me that besides the big dream, such as a horse vacation in Europe, you need to have a little piece of your dreams built into each day.

I agree.

Too many people end up disappointed because they think that they'll be happy when they have this person in their life, when they buy their dream home, when they get a new vehicle, and so on. If you only believe you'll be happy when you reach your goal, you are going to miss the fun along the way. And God help you if you lose what you worked so hard to achieve.

How many times have you heard that "It's the journey that counts." Well, obviously, many people have not heard it enough, or they just don't get it.

One of my dreams is to write a book and get it published, but if I don't enjoy the daily writing that is required, I'm not going to ever reach my goal of finishing the book. And when I'm done, I'm going to be sitting around asking "Now what?" rather than starting up another writing project.

And if I want to go horse camping in the Black Hills with Luke, I better put the work in on him on smaller trails and build up how long he's on a trailer, and learn how to use a picket line and the other equipment I've never used before, so the trip ends up being successful and fun and not an accident waiting to happen.

And if I want to enter Java and I in a skijoring race next winter, we both have a lot of work to do.

But the thing is, if you enjoy what you are doing, well, it's still work, and it can be frustrating at times, and okay, you might want to quit, but it's fun work. Right? Every step forward is a fist pumping, dancing moment. Right?!

It's been almost a year since I started on the D journey. Little by little, I'm getting clearer on how I want to live my life and where I want my focus to be. Like...

Every day has to have at least one POW (piece of heaven) moment. That can be watching the sunrise or sunset, taking a walk with Java, going trail riding, or talking to my son on the phone. There are so many things to take in every day. POW moments are really not that hard to find if you open your eyes and mind.

And now this will sound contradictory to what I just stated, but I'm a woman, so I can do that. I mean I may be gaining clarity but I have a long way to go. There is still a part of me that is confused about who I am and what is really important to me right now. Big portions of my life are being ripped away, things that I built my identity around and that determined how I spent my time. Maybe that's a good thing, to be forced to think about this stuff, to shed some things and try on some others. But it's sure not easy.

Hopefully it's not true that an old dog can't learn new tricks.

Here Comes the Sun!

That's the sun behind that cloud. And it actually came out for long periods of time today.

After I got home from church, had lunch and threw my sheets in the washer, I took Java for a walk around the neighborhood.

Melted snow and rain has filled up wetland areas.

Farmer fields are covered with puddles, I'm sure much to their dismay.

I have my own puddles going at home. My left boot got sucked off in this mess and my stockinged foot landed in the sludge. Yuck!

Java enjoys the puddles but I don't enjoy what they do to her and she got a bath today.

The horses believe they are at a spa and have been taking mud baths.

After grooming they look...

A little better. They really need a bath but what would be the point?

The riding ring is getting drier so maybe I can ride soon. Although there are predictions of more rain and then it's supposed to turn cold again and snow. But they could be wrong...

Java was a little warm with the sunshine and temps in the 50s. Her snow mountain is now a snow ant hill but Java is still enjoying cooling off on it and chomping on a branch from her stick collection.

With a little digging effort...

Java found a bone she'd brought outside. Total score!

Once again - exhausted. I've been dealing with stress and all the unknowns in my usual way, keeping busy and moving. But now it's time to call it a day. 

Goodnight all!

Still Icy

I paced around the house in a daze yesterday. I decided I needed to get outside and do something to hopefully unfreeze my brain. So I took Java and myself for a walk.

Considering that it's been in the 40s all week and we've had a ton of rain, I thought the walking paths would be clear of snow and ice. NOT!

If I'd known it was going to be all ice, I would have worn my Stabilicers.

Java hadn't been for a walk by the Rum River for quite awhile and seemed to be fascinated by everything. She gawked a lot.

Besides having things to look at, there were also many bird calls to listen to. We heard and saw a couple hawks calling to each other, sometimes soaring overhead and sometimes resting on tree branches. We also heard a very loud owl but couldn't see him. And I heard a strange sound above me. I looked up and saw five swans flying over. They are so much more graceful looking than geese and ducks.

The walking was touch and go. When you are walking on ice and very uneven ground, you don't walk like you normally do. You tend to tense up your whole body and joints twist in nasty ways trying to hold ground. I was starting to hurt pretty early in the walk so I thought I'd head for the horse trails. I was hoping they'd either be melted completely or have snow cover instead of ice.

Doesn't this look better?

How about this?

This is actually a little better.

I did discover that my winter hiking shoes are pretty darn waterproof. Thank goodness I didn't wear my tennis shoes like I was originally planning.

After our walk, Java and I picked up some dog food from Chuck and Don's. Java didn't even notice the cages of rescued cats by the entrance. She did notice all the bins full of dog treats though.

The walk helped but it was still a day of too much of too much so I crashed into bed pretty early.

But today is sunny! Yes, that's right the rumors are correct, there is a bright light up in the sky that pops out every once and awhile. So I'm heading out for another walking, thinking, appreciation session.