Change

In my job, I work with various departments to help them switch over from our old legacy software to a new software that's going to be used throughout the company. The group I'm working with currently is Customer Service. I'm looking for gaps between the old system and new system, documenting new processes and designing a training program and website for the department. It's "challenging".

They like their old software and want the new program to work exactly the same. Well it's not going to. I'm starting to think that they believe if they are difficult and demanding enough that we will customize the hell out of the new software or better yet, just give up on installing it at all. Some people are even planning on retiring to avoid learning a new program!

I do empathize, I understand how hard it can be to learn something new. I understand wanting to stick with the old, tried and true. Boy! Do I understand these things! So I'm trying to be patient and reassuring. I keep telling them, you'll get used to the new software and eventually the new becomes the old. You start to see the advantages. It's even kind of exciting sometimes! You are smarter than you think and you'll figure this all out and become more and more confident as you go along.

So far, my pep talks are not hitting home, at least not with my software users, and I feel sorry for them. But it's a good lesson for me to see how short-sighted their viewpoint is. To see how unpleasant they are to be around, all stuck in the muck and whiny like that. How hard they make things not just for me but for themselves by putting all their energy into fighting against a change that's going to happen, that is happening, no matter what they think, want, or feel.

It's tough feeling like you have no control or say in your future. The thing is that they do. But they have to expend some positive energy into building something better than what they had. Of thinking outside the box and not just try to develop a system to copy the one that they had.

The old system is being replaced because it had reached it's limits and can no longer meet our needs. There might be better ways of operating and accomplishing their goals if they just look at it with fresh eyes. They could be having some fun with this. They could be excited about the chance to really make this thing work, and work well.

It's so much easier to adjust to a software change than a huge life change. So while I understand, I also want to scream, "Get over it you bunch of wimps!"

Horse Keeping Update

We had a cold snap the past week and this is what I've been dealing with.

Ice, and there's that load of manure that will need to be moved from it's spot behind the barn to the manure pile out in the pasture.

My biggest problem is that we had some warm weather before the cold snap and when the puddles and mud froze, it froze into ruts and mounds that are making it difficult to open and close the sliding barn door.

I hate to lose the snow and move into mud season but I am looking forward to this week's thaw and the chance to dig out under the door once the ground thaws some. Right now, it's too rock hard.

Java Update

Java and I went skijoring this morning. She ran really hard for the first downhill part of the course and then dragged the rest of the way around. She seems to have more energy when we go in the afternoon or when she has a skier in front of her that she wants to catch.

She does a lot of this when we are skijoring. She's running and suddenly notices a leaf and puts on the brakes.

Such a silly girl.

Rootin' Tootin' Weekend

Skijoring

Crazy, busy day yesterday. I started off right away going skijoring with Java. We went to Elm Creek park instead of Bunker, in hopes that the trails might be in better condition there. With the repeated thawing during the day and freezing at night, the snow has become crusty, icy, and packed.

Elm Creek wasn't quite as icy as Bunker, but the snow did not have much give and there are no grooves for traditional cross-country except where the two trails intersect, so it was some work keeping my skis going where I wanted them to go. The truly nice thing about the Elm Creek trails is that the trails are pretty, there are several options on which way to go, and the hills are gentle slopes instead of sharp up and downs, like Bunker has. I didn't fall once. That's really probably because I'm getting so much better. Right...

Java and I went skijoring at Elm Creek again today and managed to pass by several people. Some she went by with no problem but a jogger had to leap sideways and she passed a lady but then doubled back to say hello. But still, it's progress. Java ran really hard for a long ways (chasing a skier) and we cut 15 minutes off our run. She was a little pooped when we got home.

Gun Class

I wasn't even going to talk about how I spent my Saturday afternoon, as I was afraid some people really don't like guns, but the class was so interesting, so I just have to share. If you have strong anti-gun feelings, exit now.

I took a ladies only Basic Handgun Familiarization Course at a gun shop. I have never handled a gun in my life. I'm actually pretty afraid of them, which would explain my shaky hands in the class. I must have looked like Deputy Barney Fife from Mayberry. If you are too young to know who I'm talking about, you'll just have to google him.

Anyway, the best way to handle fear is to either avoid what you are afraid of or learn as much as you can about it. Plus, if I'm going to go camping and road tripping around the country by myself, I'm considering that I might want some kind of protection.

The reasons, ages, and "types" of women in the class were pretty varied. There was one lady that looked like June Cleaver (I'm really dating myself; you might have to google her too) who said she convinced her husband that they should buy a gun. He was out in the lobby holding her coat and purse during the class.

Several women were there because their husband or boyfriend had guns and wanted them to learn how to shoot. Gee, my husband refused to teach me how to use a gun. I think I know why now.

One young woman, who had moved here from the Ukraine and looked fashionable in that way that only Europeans seem able to pull off, didn't really say why she was there. I think she wanted to buy an accessory for her "Almost Famous" jeans and designer purse. OK, I admit it, I'm being catty. It's what happens when you wear "Lucky" jeans and are feeling anything but lucky.

Then there was the lady that was taking the class because her husband was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer. At first, I thought that meant she was really angry and wanted to shoot something. But in talking further, it seemed that learning to shoot a gun was something she'd wanted to do for a long time. Oh, I get that. When faced with our own mortality or the mortality of someone close to us, people tend to decide to quit putting off some of the things they've always wanted to do. In my case, during my marriage, I held back on doing so many things that I'm passionate or just plain curious about that I'm now on a mission to try and make up for lost time.

The class instructor did a wonderful job of explaining things, with a big emphasis on safety, and answering questions. Being a technical writer by trade, I found the diagrams and explanations of how the different types of guns work and the various kinds of ammunition to be fascinating. I know, it's kind of sad.

The instructor had us practice loading and unloading the guns and had us handle a couple different revolvers and about ten different semi-automatics to see what fit our hand best. After we picked out what we thought felt the best, we went out onto the range and were able to shoot thirty rounds with various guns we wanted to try. I liked the Ruger SR9c, Sig Sauer p239, and Smith & Wesson M & P. I forgot to even try the revolvers, which are certainly simpler than the semi-automatics. Next time.

I was pretty nervous and worried about making a fool out of myself but I'm actually a pretty darn good shot and it was fun! Well, except I must have pinched the tip of my ring finger in the semi-automatic slide. I didn't notice until I had blood all over my hands. Funny how those little slices bleed like a son-of-a-gun. Maybe that's where that saying came from...

I almost went back to the shooting range today because my church had a couple hours reserved for people to go target practice at the same gun shop. That's right -- my church. Christians packin' heat. It's scary.

I will need to go back and try my favorites again as I was so freaked out by how loud the durn things are (how can people shoot without ear protection?) and trying not to do something stupid, I forgot to keep track of which one I was able to best handle the kick from and still be accurate. Like I've said before, I like learning new things and striving to get better at whatever it is. I think this might be a fun new challenge for me.

Challenges in Many Forms

Our temperatures have been getting into the low 30s this week, with full on sunshine. That's all well and good except that all that melting snow and puddles turns into ice during the evening, encasing the bottom of my sliding barn door in solid ice. The other morning I couldn't get the back door to the paddock to break free and didn't feel like chopping the ice with an ax again so I led the horses individually out the front of the barn, through the door that Murphy is pointing his nose at in the photo below.

The size of that door meant I had to walk in front of the horse because only one of us could fit through the door at a time.

This wasn't so bad with horse #1, Luke. He was a little worried about walking through a door he's never gone through before but he didn't all out panic until I let him loose and he was... GASP!... ALONE in the darkness! (Eery music playing in background)

His running around outside did not bode well when I tried to get a halter on Murphy and lead him out the same door. He definitely wanted to trample me. There was much threatening body language from little old me and backing up halter tugs to avoid being run over. But here I am, alive to tell the story.

This trying to open doors is also difficult because I'm standing on ice trying to push on an immovable object. Do you see the problem with this?

Which is why I was so excited when my Stabilicers arrived from Amazon.

Not only do they help me stay upright on ice, I have discovered that when I'm on the concrete patio, they make a sound very much like tap shoes. I did a very impressive Fred Astaire imitation.

The "Divorce Care" e-mail that I received today seems to be responding to my latest post. It says:

"Your daily life is different now. You no longer have the security and comfort of your old routine and of knowing where you belong. The new lifestyle may feel awkward and uncomfortable. This contributes to your loneliness."


"Your new lifestyle is unfortunately one that you did not choose to be in. But now that you are here, you do have a say as to how you will respond to your new circumstances. Every moment, you are faced with the choice of how you will act and react to the thoughts in your mind and to the situations that occur. "

'The choice of how you will act and react to the thoughts in your mind' - that clump of words hit me like fingernails drawn slowly across a blackboard. My thoughts seem to never stop playing tug-a-war with each other.

• "I can do this." versus "I am not going to make it."
• "I have such wonderful friends and family" versus "I am going to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life." 
• "Maybe I'm on my way to the awesomeness I've been waiting for." versus "Maybe if I time it just right, I can get hit by a garbage truck on the way to the mailbox."

And the statement of having a choice of how to 'act and react'. I want to react positively. But it's hard when you feel beaten to a pulp. Do you get up or just stay down for the count? I have this image in my mind, one eye swollen shut, the other one trying to blink away the blood dripping from the gash on my forehead. And there's someone on the side of the ring (who has bet against me) screaming "Stay down. Stay down."

What would Rocky do?

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Thanks for the suggestions on my house hunt. Right now, I mainly look at houses and neighborhoods to try and prepare myself for the eventuality of moving; I have no solid plans. My only plan is to keep myself going.

I still can't believe how wrong my life has gone. Losing love, what I thought was real love, finally, real love -- it can't be.  I'd just been through so much. Things go in cycles. This should have been a good cycle. Really great things were supposed to be starting in my life.

It's been hard to deal with things crashing down at a point when I thought I'd finally have some relief -- when I thought life was going to give me a break, more than I break -- I had total awesomeness in mind. So how do I deal with expecting awesomeness and instead receiving weapons of mass destruction?

I don't know. So I drive through neighborhoods. I look at all types of housing. And I get an idea of what feels okay and what doesn't. I don't want to try and find something "close" to being the home and the life I have now. You can't simply replace something like that, or at least I can't. I never would have moved here on my own. This house is mainly H's design and dream, not mine.

The wood floors, the kitchen counter tops, the mud room, and my son's old bedroom, those felt like mine. And when I say "mine," I'm not talking about ownership but what felt like an expression of "me". The barn, pasture, and riding ring, those felt like mine too, but I can have those things wherever I board and hopefully, an indoor arena to boot. Taking care of horses by myself has become harder every year and I'm afraid if I don't stop doing things that are physically harmful to me, I soon may not have the ability to even lift a saddle.

Anyway, I love being in the country, but it feels more isolated and lonely since I've been on my own. I like places with a small town feel. I like older homes - like 1890 to 1970 - I like their uniqueness, wood floors, cozy feel, and porches. This is an unfortunate preference as older homes can have problems with wiring, plumbing, lose a lot of heat because of poor insulation and bad windows, and have leaky basements. But if they've been updated...

The suggestion that I rent until I'm more settled into my new way of life is very sensible. It was what I had initially planned to do. But buying a new house feels necessary now, like a parachute, something that will keep me from crashing to the ground after I have to move. I hope it will give me something to focus on, something to try things out on, something to put my personality into, a place to plant and grow something, a place to put down my own rootedness.

Because I am afraid. I don't feel strong about this. No, I'm feeling pretty weak, like someone has hidden kryptonite in my purse. I'm trying to summon up that kick-ass part of me but I think she pulled a muscle.

But then there is mighty Java. She can kick-ass for both of us, until I regain my super powers.

Useless Desires

An uneventful Valentine's Day, which was part of the problem. A tough day not to think about lost love.


"Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years
Wishing you would anyway
How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires"

Java and I went skijoring in the morning. We did a pretty fast clip as it was breezy and cool. That meant two falls, one on each shoulder just to even things out.

"Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way
For the little aches and pains
The ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this"

Java and I drove around and looked at townhouses. I know I said "no way" to the townhouse idea but then I was thinking that I hate being in an empty house now, so I'm gone as much as possible. So maybe what I live in doesn't matter that much. Without the horses on the property or someone there to spend time with, a house is just a place to eat, sleep, and keep my stuff.

But then I looked at the association fees at townhouses and I'm flip-flopping again. At the place I like the most, the association fee is $325 a month! Are they insane! I can't afford that plus the $250 a month for horse board!  So I'm back looking at houses as they are actually cheaper and I'll just have to deal with the upkeep.

"Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be"

I broke down and went for a massage tonight. How can IMMENSE pain make your muscles and tendons feel so much better? Maybe it's just that the pain of the massage has stopped. No, everything feels so much looser now. The massage therapist kept muttering, "Hmmm" and "Oh my" and "Wow".

There was a lot of popping and snapping going on as knots gave under pressure. She even used hot stones to warm up my muscles so they'd give better.

This is how Java takes care of her back.

Of course, it was a quick fall from euphoria to reality when I tried to let the horses in and the barn door wouldn't slide. The snow melts and drips during the day, then freezes after dark. So the bottom of the door was stuck in ice. I had to smash the ice along the edge of the door with an ax. Ouch.

But my back and shoulders still feel better than they did. I'm going to see a chiropractor on Wednesday because it also hurts to move my neck or twist my spine. And I think I'll be going back to the massage therapist once a month if it helps as much as it feels like it might have.

I know what some of you are thinking, but these injuries aren't from the skiing; they're from lifting and there's not much I can do to avoid that. And skiing is one of my more useful desires.

"How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
Burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hangin' around
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires "

Awesome!

Last night, I spent 90 minutes volunteering at "Feed My Starving Children". A group from church went to pack food to send to Haiti.

I almost backed out after a grueling drive home. A four car pile up added 30 minutes to my already long drive and I was a mite crabby. I know how hard it is to believe, but I'm not always jolly and easy going.

When I finally got home, I had to let Java out and feed everyone, including myself, then head right back out the door again. But I'm glad I stuck to my commitment to volunteer. It was interesting hearing about the program and being a part of sending food to people in Haiti. And selfishly, the best part was that the woman who instructed us on how to pack the bags of food turned out to by an old friend's sister. She looked awfully familiar and I walked up and asked her if she was LA's sister? And she said "Yes!" and we hugged each other and talked and caught up through much of my food packing efforts. I hope I didn't screw up some of the chicken portions...

So now I hope I hear from my old friend, who at one point took my son and I in when I tried to leave my second husband. I kind of put LA in a bad spot, and stupid me, after all that trouble, I went back to an abusive husband. She wasn't happy with me. LA was one of those really honest, straight-shooting friends who says things you don't want to hear, but that are the words you really should be listening to. I miss her.

And her sister LB is a great person too. What a wonderful coincidence and it never would have happened if I hadn't volunteered and done something that was a little outside my comfort zone.

Today was another fairy tale day. It was beautiful!

First I fed the horses, who were looking kind of frosty. I left them out last night as my shoulder and back were hurting so bad, I wanted to give myself a break from cleaning stalls this morning. Please don't think this is tough on my horses. They are hardy, hairy boys.

After putting out hay, I got ready to go skijoring with Java. Okay, so you're wondering why, if I was hurting so bad, would I go skijoring? Because it seems to loosen my back up and the euphoria I feel after skiing makes the pain bearable.

I was ultra careful and kept it to a slower pace. I only fell once, when I was trying to make it around a big black hole at the bottom of a hill, where some mischievous people had built a bon fire in the middle of the trail. Nice...

Java got to looking pretty frosty herself, running on the trail and breathing out warm, moist air. My hair was looking similar but I'm not showing you a photo of that.

I had to be home by noon because the farrier, D, was coming to trim Luke and Murphy. D gave me the name of one of his clients that's only about ten minutes from where I live now and who might be willing to board my horse. Plus, D said that if I got in a bind, he could board my horse temporarily.

D's wife is into driving and I'm amazed at the things he does for her. He even built a shallow pond last year on their property for her to practice driving through. He put up an old windmill to pump the water. Although, the windmill thing sounds like something D really wanted to put up and he might have had it fill a water hazard so his wife wouldn't object... still, a sweet thing to do (just don't tell him I said so).

After hearing about all the work D's wife has done with training her horses and about the cart she was going to look at today, I really would like to make it to their place this spring to see their annual show. It all sounds very interesting and if it's anything like the shows Lori has posted photos of in her Skoog Farm Journal, it will be a very beautiful thing to see.

The offers of help and information lift me up in ways that I'm sure the people they come from are not even aware of. My words of "thank you" don't express it nearly enough.

Suffice to say, I'm feeling very thankful and happy today.

Bloody Hell!

I've been listening to CDs of the novel "A Long Way Down", by Nick Hornby. I listen to a lot of books on CDs because of how much time I spend driving back and forth to and from work. "A Long Way Down" is about four people who meet on a roof in London on New Year's Eve, planning to jump to their death. Sounds cheery, doesn't it? It's actually very funny if you like dark humor.

Because the story takes place in England, it is read with a British accent. Better yet, there are two readers to cover the male and female parts. When I listen to someone speak with an accent for any length of time, I find that I start to think in my head with this accent. And I start taking on the slang or the expressions of this country or culture so I am now thinking and sometimes uttering out loud expressions like "bloody hell" and calling the imbecile driver that butted in front of me a "tosser", the people who work at the Verizon store are a bunch of "wankers", and I'd like to tell a few people at work to "sod off".

Anyway, I'm to the part where one of the characters, JJ, has figured out what really made him want to kill himself. And he's discovered it's not because he hates life, but just the opposite, that he loves life! But he feels cut off from living and can't seem to enter back into the stream of life - it is just gurgling and flowing along without him.

The rock band JJ was in broke up and his girlfriend left him, but the girlfriend and band members have all moved on and are doing things with their lives. While JJ doesn't know what to do or who he is anymore. And it's that missing out on life and not being able to find a way to rejoin the living that took him to the top of a building to jump.

Does that make any sense? Because it sure does to me. I want so much to rejoin the living, to get back into that stream with all the other fishies. But here I am, flopping around on the shore gasping for air.

I've been wondering why for so many years I've postponed trips I wanted to take, always waiting for 'the right time', which would be when things aren't so hectic and money isn't so tight. In other words, never!

I've pushed my comfort zone and spent some cash so I could skijor, but in so many other ways, I've been scrimping and scraping, eating rice and beans, and putting away every extra cent to prepare for a job loss, retirement in twelve years, and all the expenses that can come up when your health goes to hell and you don't have a job or health insurance to fall back on.

Sound pessimistic? A little paranoid? Step into my life for awhile and you too will begin to always be thinking of preparing for the worst.

But I'm not saying that way of thinking is right, or a good way to live. No, I'm wondering what is the point of all this preparing for tomorrow and for "what ifs" and missing out on what I could be doing right now? Why not be all out adventurous and active and go places while I still can?

Wouldn't it be worth the risk? Financial institutions, auto manufacturers, and various obscenely wealthy people don't seem to worry about the consequences of their recklessness.

But I'm not really talking about being reckless anyway. I'm talking about turning the heat up enough so my back and shoulder's don't ache constantly from shivering. I'm talking about taking a trip to see my family. And I'm talking about just not worrying so much and trusting that whatever troubles come up, I'll find a way out.

So I took a big step this evening -- I stopped and bought "Japanese Chicken" takeout from the Mongolian Buffet. It's one of my favorite treats and I haven't had it since H left. I know, I know it's not much, but it's a step towards wading back into the stream.

Blimey but it's getting late and I'm feeling a bit knackered. So pip pip, cheerio and all that rubbish that the British only say in old movies.

House or Home

Maery's Morning
I almost ended up with one less horse this morning. Something frightened Luke and Murphy when they were going out the back of the barn and they turned and ran back in. Luke went in his stall. Murphy went out the front door into the open yard. He crashed around hysterically in the dark with Java chasing him.

I called Java and locked her in the barn after Luke had already ran back out the back door. I tried to let Murphy in through the gate in the fence but the snow wouldn't allow me to open it wide enough. Then I tried to coax Murphy toward me so I could throw a lead line around his neck. He was still too busy being hysterical, and Luke was adding to the entertainment by running the fence line on the inside.

You know you've been at this horse thing for awhile when a scene like this just makes you stand back and wait for the horse to wear itself out. Murphy took off at one point toward the back of our neighbor's place and I was thinking, "Hmmm... one less horse to take care of or try to sell," but he came back. I was getting bored with it and I still had stalls to clean so I got grain, put it on the ground and threw the lead line around Murphy's neck when he stopped to eat. Just another fun-filled morning...

What is Home?
When someone comments about how beautiful the land I live on is or how lucky I am, I'm not quite sure what to say.

Sometimes I feel like I'm frantically trying to get as many photos of the horses and Java where we live now, as my life is now. I want to remember this place, this life. I want to enjoy it as much as possible before it's gone. And then I try not to think about that, but I still do.

The place where I've been skijoring with Java has townhouses nearby, and a few are for sale. The taxes there are terribly high just for the privilege of living near a park and a not so scenic park at that, mainly consisting of dead and scrubby oaks. These are the townhouses.

Row upon row of sameness. And there are rules to ensure you do not ruin their uniformity. It's like something out of "Stepford Wives" only worse. No individuality or creativity allowed here! And there are rules about the breed and weight and number of the dogs you are allowed to have. Can you imagine?! Most townhomes are like this, even the stand alone ones. Yuck!

I've looked at townhomes because of my age and my injuries and people tell me that would be the best thing for me. It would be nice not to have to cut the grass, remove snow, or do external maintenance. But not so nice to not be able to have a garden, a fenced in yard for Java, or even a clothesline. Even if I found a townhouse that was located in reach of an actual pretty park, it couldn't make up for what you can't have or do.

I drive by a lot of places for sale -- townhomes, houses on 1-5 acres, farms, houses in the suburbs, houses in small towns, and houses in cities. I drive by, and I try to imagine myself living there -- going to the nearby grocery store, taking Java for a walk through the neighborhood, playing frisbee with Java in the backyard, sitting inside drinking coffee and looking out the window, sitting at my computer writing my novel, leaving for work, coming home from work, having my friends over, baking bread in the kitchen, etc.

I consider whether the house is close to my friends. Would someone be able to stay and take care of Java while I was in Ireland? How far away are activities and places I like to go to, like the library and artist/writer meetup places? Are there parks nearby that are good places to take a dog? Are there affordable horse boarding facilities close by and trails?

Is the yard fenced in or could it be fenced in? Does the house have hardwood floors or could wood floors be installed? Is the exterior maintenance free? Is there a place to park the horse trailer? Are there an abundance of trees? Is it the sort of place where I'd see wildlife from time to time? Is there a vegetable garden or could there be a vegetable garden? Is there a nice place to sit outside? Is it a safe looking area? Is there a nice view from inside? What kind of people do the neighbors appear to be -- down-to-earth people like me or suburbanite, grass-obsessed, leaf-blowing, my-yard-is-better-than-your-yard, Stepford kind of people?

I can't seriously look for a house yet as I don't know when our house will sell. I'm just trying to imagine it, trying to make myself get used to the idea of living somewhere else. But more than just getting used to the idea of living somewhere else is getting used to the idea of living somewhere else alone and somewhere unfamiliar. Because yes, I'm alone now but it doesn't feel as alone because it's my home. It's familiar. And the horses fill my mornings and evenings and days with things I need to do and things to watch and feel.

Seeing the stark emptiness and stillness of this new imaginary house usually leads me to picturing taking in dogs that need a home (sorry, I just can't imagine taking in a stray human). I start to imagine things like starting up a service of taking in pets for women who need to go into a shelter, to help out until they can get back on their feet. It sounds good in theory but also sounds like too much to take on for a woman that works full time.

Maybe I could work to get the local humane society to partner up with the shelters and do temporary emergency housing. It's not like I brilliantly came up with this idea. A program called PAWS (Pets and Women's Shelters), which was launched by the American Humane organization, already got the ball rolling on this. They have a program to help shelters add this service to their existing program. The two women's shelters in our area, one of which I used to volunteer at, do not help women keep their pets at the shelter or put them in temporary housing, and I think they should.

So how does my mind leap from trying to figure out where I'm going to live to trying to figure out where pets of abused women are going to live?

Well, there is just never a dull moment in my brain. It is constantly searching for what will make a new house a home. And what can make a single life, not be a lonely life.

Snow and More Snow

The affirmation "I am lovable." doesn't mean much if no one loves you. Gotta love Valentine's Day...

Skijoring Update

Java and I went skijoring on Sunday and there were about five other people with dogs there, which may explain why I fell four times, but only twice on my bad shoulder.

Java and I did the entire course in about half the time that it took us to do half the course previously. We were flying! Well, and falling.

We went zooming down a hill, but at the bottom there was a sharp turn to the right. The ski tracks went right, Java went right, I went straight. Then there was the passing dog. I pulled Java and myself off the trail to let the dog and skier go by. When they were well past us, I started to let Java back out again and step back onto the path. Java took off as soon as she felt the line loosen, pulling me forward onto my knees, as my skis were still mired down in the deep snow.

Speaking of snow, I couldn't make it to work today because of a snowstorm, which is still going strong. I took this photo out the sliding glass door.

Java looked outside. Some snow had fallen in when I opened the door.

What do people without dogs do to clean up their messes?

I plowed the driveway and am hoping that there isn't too much more accumulation by morning so I can get out tomorrow. But the snow is supposed to continue until noon on Tuesday.

Java was on the scent of something.

And just plain enjoying the snow.

Must be time for bed now.

Everything I Know, I Learned During Divorce

Hmmm... I've listed my losses, now what about gains? The word "gains" itself doesn't seem quite right. How can divorce bring about anything that could be considered a gain? A list of "Things That Don't Suck" might be more appropriate, but I'm having trouble with that too. Reaching deep for this one.

• I can write as much as I want to now. Plenty of time. Only, I can't seem to get started beyond writing this blog.
• I've taken up cross-country skiing and skijoring. That is a real plus and has been loads of fun.
• I've renewed some friendships and made new friends.
• I can trail ride as much as I want to once the weather permits again.
• I can travel wherever I want to once the house is sold, my horse is boarded somewhere, and I have some money. There do seem to be an awful lot of contingencies on this one.
• I can start dating again and have all that excitement, romance, and variety. Woo! Hoo! Dating is like a box of chocolates, you never know quite what you're getting into until it's too late and you discover you've ended up with a lousy vanilla cream. Sorry, just a little sarcasm there.
• I can get a much smaller house that doesn't take me four hours to clean which translates into about three days because I can't stand spending four straight hours on it. A smaller house also hopefully means I can heat the thing and still have money left over for groceries.

Ummm, gee... Uh, hmmm... There must be more than that. I mean there have been discoveries that have changed me and the way I plan to live my life.

For example,

• I've figured out that there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean, we all have things we want to improve on, but the only thing wrong with me is that I like horses, dogs, and outdoor activities. That's not really WRONG, it's just not everyone's cup of tea.
• I also discovered that when someone treats me badly and becomes an ice cube, I react badly to that. It depletes my energy, makes me withdraw, causes depression, and basically makes me cranky and unpleasant to be around. A better reaction is to find out why I'm being treated like dirt and see if I can get it to stop. 
• I've discovered there's no such thing as "arriving". 

There are destinations and you might get there, like I did with marrying the man of my dreams and buying a hobby farm, but that doesn't mean the bad stuff and the disappointments of life are over. It appears to be a continual cycle of arriving and being stupendously happy, followed by another crisis - a health problem, a death, losing a job, an affair, a divorce, a child in trouble, a rejection and so on - and the resulting fear and pain.

I think I finally get it and don't expect anything to last forever. If it does, great, but I'm learning not to take it personally as some judgement and punishment solely aimed at me when something ends or a new crisis begins. I no longer expect that there is one thing out there that if I have it, I will have arrived and my life will be complete and only filled with good stuff. I'm sure you've heard it before and don't need to read it here too, but it's true -- it's the journey that counts.

And my journey is now aimed at giving, with no expectation of getting anything in return, trying to find my happiness by using whatever there is within me that can comfort, encourage, ease the pain or loneliness, and bring laughter to others. Expecting anything from anyone else has generally brought frustration and sadness. Not that I don't receive good things from people, but I often don't get what I'm hoping for. Concentrating on giving works out better as I usually do get something in return - a laugh, a thank you, a hug, sometimes something as big as a new friend - but without the expectation, it's just a pleasant surprise.

And my goal is to do some outdoor activity with my animals every day possible, because I feel so much better physically and emotionally when I do.

Also, to keep trying new things and learning about the world along the way. I want to go camping, visit places I've never been to before, maybe try agility with Java and learn more about training dogs in general - I'm especially interested in how service animals are trained, go trail riding at parks I've never been to before and take on more challenging rides, hopefully do some horse camping too.

I want to live more simply. Less stuff - more living.

And I want to fill my life with people. I recently took a test on what energizes me, people or tasks. The results of the questionnaire came out as "people". That hasn't always been the case with me. Maybe the change has come about because of my age, or that life experiences have changed what I consider to be important in my life, or that I'm no longer trying to claw my way to some pie-in-the-sky, money-making career. Whatever the reasons, I definitely am no longer a loner.

I still do a lot of things on my own because I'm not going to sit around and wait for someone to come along with me. And I'm still an introvert and do need my alone times to relax and refresh, but I would now rather work as part of team than as an individual, and I would rather spend time with friends or groups focused around one of my interests than all by myself.

So whether these changes in my life and my outlook are gains or simply changes, life is different now and I plan on making the best of it.

This and That

Last night, Lynn and I went to the 2009-2010 Loft Mentor Series Reading. I won a spot in the Loft Mentor program in 2000, the same year I got married. It was a wonderful experience but they've improved the format of the program by leaps and bounds since then. You get to work with six nationally known writers, two fiction, two nonfiction, and two poets, who give you writing assignments to work on and spend one-on-one time with you to develop your work. The participants then do readings and have to answer audience questions towards the end of the program.

Last night, participants Anika Fajardo (nonfiction) and Karlyn Colemand (fiction) read from their work. They were both excellent. One of the fiction mentors, Shannon Olson (far right), read from her books "Welcome to My Planet, Where English is Sometimes Spoken" and "Children of God Go Bowling". Shannon's books are very amusing and she's even funnier in person.

I've wasted so much time with my writing and now it feels like it's too late. And I'm not sure it matters to me enough anymore. It's difficult to have a full time job, try to write a book in your spare time, and have a relationship too. And I guess I'd rather have a relationship than write a book. It's the choice I made ten years ago. It's sad that I ended up with neither the relationship, nor the book. I don't know if I have enough drive anymore for any of it.

This morning, Java and I went skijoring and once again, there was no one at the park. We started with the loop that we stopped short of yesterday then did part of the loop we'd done before.

Java started out so good! She was running all out, staying straight, and not stopping to sniff at anything. I was having a blast racing along behind her. I can imagine how much fun it must be to be behind a team of sled dogs, although I like the aspect of skiing behind Java rather than just being pulled. And I'm getting much better at the skiing.

But as she tires, Java gets more distracted and I don't want to push her to the point where it's not any fun for her anymore. I kind of thought she would want to keep going and going but she does wear out. I guess she needs to condition herself too and will be able to go longer and farther as she builds up muscle and endurance.

There were two more people with a dog getting ready to hit the trail when Java and I were heading back to the car. I had to snowplow to keep Java from running to the other dog but then Java stopped and stood at her "line out" position. Yeah!

Java took a nap when we got home. She's snuggling with her little rubber chicken.

After lunch, Java and I went and picked up 10 bags of shavings. 

I had hoped to load a couple bags at a time into the wheelbarrow and wheel them into the barn, but the tire was flat. The tires on everything I use to haul stuff with are flat. I keep fixing them. And they keep going flat. Frustrating.

So I hauled the bags by hand as the horses supervised.

Mission accomplished.

While I worked, Java kept herself busy too.

I used to have a nice pile of branches by the shed. Java has successfully managed to redistribute them throughout the yard.