I've been through divorce before. This is not like what I went through then. And that's part of the problem. I don't know what this is, so I don't know what to do with it. I think it's more about my age and that I've done nothing but fail at stuff for 50 years now. My life feels like failure and waste and like it's too late now.
"It's never too late" sounds like something people say. There are certain things that it's too late for, like making it onto the olympic equestrian team, having another child, or celebrating my 50th wedding anniversary. I know there are miracles, but seriously. Life is what it is.
But as always, I'm too short on time to be this philosophical, so this will be brief.
I did manage to ride Luke for a bit today. It wasn't as magical as my lesson last weekend but it had it's moments, and the only goal right now is to have more moments and moments that last a bit longer each ride. Hmmm... There might be a broader application for this moment stuff.
Luke had some advice for me.
Don't isolate yourself.
There are friends around if you look and let them be near.
Stop looking behind you and thinking about the past.
Take care of yourself by eating right. Better yet, eat with a friend.
Get outside and do something. Get some exercise.
If you can't feel it, just go through the motions, until the feelings return.
Take your time. Be patient. Even when it seems impossible.