Things I Ponder from Grey's Anatomy

I'm catching up on my recordings of Grey's Anatomy. I'm learning so much wisdom from the philosophizing at the end of each episode.

"Invasion"

A couple weeks ago, when Izzy Stevens was being fired by Richard, she sobbed, "Please don't do this to me. Please don't take this away from me. I don't have anything left."

The scene with Izzy is followed by Meredith asking, "What do you do when the infection hits you, when it takes over? Do you do what you're supposed to and take your medicine? Or do you learn to live with the thing in the hopes that someday it goes away? Or do you just give up entirely and let it kill you?"

Nothing makes you feel like a failure or like you've lost everything in quite the measure that being dumped in an unwanted divorce does. As you recognize that your spouse no longer loves you and that worse yet, he now loves someone else in the same way that he used to love you, you feel so insignificant, so easily forgotten and replaced.

I wanted to, well, actually, I did, scream at Izzy, "But you still have Alex! You have something left! You have Alex!"

But when these losses happen, your first reaction is to feel like you have lost everything, including yourself. But as time goes by, you realize it's not true. You haven't lost everything. Not by a long shot. You are still a whole person, or at least, you will be when you've had some time to heal.

And you have a lot on the ball. Maybe more than you did when you did have "everything".

"I Saw What I Saw"

The next episode of Grey's Anatomy that I watched was about the complicated process of diagnosing and treating sickness and injuries and the mistakes that can occur.

Meredith says, "Sometimes the answer we get just confirms our worst fears and sometimes it can shed new light on the problem, make us see it in a whole new way. After all, the opinions have been heard and every point of view has been considered. You finally find what you were after -- the truth. But the truth isn't where it ends. That's just where you begin again, with a whole new set of questions."

I don't know the truth of what happened to H and me. I probably never will. But I'm discovering what's true for me and what was just bull.

Yes, it is only the beginning. Because the truth isn't constant or absolute.

What I search for is to see and experience everything that exists in this moment -- because each moment is unique. If you miss it, you miss it for good.

"Give Peace a Chance"

The sound of this episode cut out towards the end of the recording.

But the show was about Derek doing an impossible spinal tumor surgery that he was ordered by Richard not to perform. Derek was supposedly fired, even thought the surgery was successful.

Derek's followup thoughts were that "Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments -- fleeting -- gone before we even knew it was there."

The rest of what was said was garbled but was something like this, "We can find peace in the comfort of an old routine. Or when we finally let go."

The letting go part is kind of like what I said about finding peace in my previous post.

And although I recognize peace isn't a permanent state, I disagree that it's gone before we even know that it's there. I for one, recognize and rest in those moments of peace, whenever they occur.

"Maery's Injuries"

I was hoping to go trail riding tomorrow but the weather report is making Saturday sound pretty nasty. Sunday might be better, but I do need to get my writing time in. Writing, riding -- they're so similar -- they're both about noticing what's around you.

I'm going to go soak in Epsom salts and see if it helps out my knee. I'd like to take Java for a walk tomorrow since between the ugly weather, having it get dark so early, and my limping, she hasn't been able to run off steam for awhile.

If I keep my knee fairly straight, it's not too bad. I just have to protect it from bumps, turns, and bending -- that's all.

Might end up with another doctor visit next week but the co-pays for doctor visits and physical therapy to work on my shoulder are killing me, almost worse than the pain. But it will be worth it if I can avoid surgery.

With the knee, I'd just like to know I'm not making something worse by taking walks, and I'd like to work out on the elliptical when I can't get outside. I'm good at ignoring pain, but it's not always the best course of action.

I wonder what McDreamy would recommend...

Happy Almost Halloween!

Yes, I can certainly tell that it's almost Halloween. The gremlins are out and they seem to have something against my mailbox about this time every year.

Although, it's not just me. All the way down the road, there were other dented mailboxes and some must have been knocked clean off as they were bungy-corded back onto their posts this morning. What can you do?

And of course, it's raining again. Me, when I'm stuck in rain traffic, I like to take rain photos. Well, I was at a dead stop, at this point I'm accelerating.

How about the car in front of me? Or is it a cruck (car truck hybrid)? I think it was an El Torino but I thought if they had a truck bed they were La Rancheros. But what do I know. You can see I have my GPS going just in case I get lost while taking photos.

My posts may be few and far between as I gear up for a month of novel writing. A few of you have expressed your wishes to write a book someday. You guys are great writers so I say, go for it!

I have a book that I'm using in this endeavor called, "Book in a Month" by Victoria Schmidt, Ph.D. Besides giving good advice about writing, I think some of her advice could be applied to just about any area of your life. I was reading about resistance today and it says:

"Taking a risk implies loss of control; otherwise there would be nothing to risk."

"Most of our writing blocks come from lack of self-trust... We wouldn't get upset, worried, angry, accusatory, or anxious if we trusted ourselves to deal with whatever might come up, in any situation."

I think I'm going to be learning about a lot more in the month of November than just about writing a story.

I'm So Glad You're Here

I've written a lot in the past couple days, but stopped myself from posting what I wrote. I've been caught up in thoughts about things H said to me before he left, trying to figure out what they meant, and come to some sort of peace about it.

A friend said to me today, "People can say what they want to say about you and you can't stop them. But you do have a choice in what you do with those words. Sometimes there's some truth and you can learn from that. But when what they say is pure judgement, you choose whether you are going to allow those words to hurt you. You choose how you see yourself and what kind of person you are going to be."

Trying to push bad messages out of head... Baking cookies helps. I haven't figured out if baking my own cookies actually saves me any money, but they sure taste better than store bought! And hey, they are low fat, although not low sugar, well, and there is the chocolate. Never mind...

I went to physical therapy yesterday. OUCH! Still hurting from man digging at shoulder to break up scar tissue.

When I walked into the PT waiting room, there was another woman waiting. She was blind and had a seeing eye dog, a German Shephard, lying at her feet. As I sat down, she asked, "Who are you?"

I answered, "I'm Mary."

"Oh, my sister's name is Mary. I'm J and this is P." she pointed to her dog.

J paused, and then said, "I was crying. I'm so glad you're here."

I wasn't sure what to say to such an honest announcement, So, clumsy me, I asked about her dog. Then I told her about Java. We talked until J was called into her appointment.

J might have thought I was doing her a favor by keeping her company while she waited, but she did so much more for me with just those few words, "I'm glad you're here."

It's kind of strange, but even with how sad and hurt I feel, somehow I think I feel better right now than I've felt for years. Not like more happy, cheery better, but I feel more-better in some way.

It's not that the pain is gone and there is still a certain level of fear, but there is also a certain level of peace. Because, after all, I can't control another person's feelings or actions. I can't do anything about that. Believe me, I've racked my brain for a way that I can, but there's nothing I can do.

And I can't do anything about the housing market and whether someone buys our house or not.

And because of my age and the job market and that this is a scary point in my life to be starting over, I feel pretty vulnerable, but again, there's nothing I can do about it besides try to hold on to the job that I have and be as thrifty as possible.

And all the decisions cannot be made and carried out today. I don't have the time, energy, or know enough about what tomorrow will bring to carry out that kind of magic.

So I've let a lot of things go. And with letting go, comes a certain level of peace, still interrupted at times by a sense of panic and scurrying about, but after I wear myself out with that, I fall back into peace.

Maybe the "more-better" I feel is that I feel more myself. There's no one to tell me how bad and abnormal being me is, unless I carry certain conversations around in my head. I need to stop doing that. Because what a relief when I do! I mean I'm really glad to be who I am. How strange...

And that's probably thanks to my friends, who are full of compliments and praise. Considering that I'm not always so nice and fun to be around, I deeply appreciate them seeing past the sadness and hurt to the person that lies underneath all that crap. I'm thankful for the gentle nudges to keep going and that they are willing to turn on the tough love if I need it.

Maybe the "more-better" is just feeling more loved and cared about. Maybe it's being more open to receive and anxious to give back.

Whatever it is, it's a good thing.

I'm slowly returning to the Mary (or Maery) I like to be around. The one who wants to make people laugh, wants to reach out and help someone, the one who cares and does something about the things she cares about.

Welcome back.

Epilogue

When I was done with physical therapy and at the desk to make my next appointment, J was waiting to do the same. I noticed that she tried to start conversations with other people she heard come into her space. Not everyone responded. And she had no visual cues to tell her anything about the person she was addressing or how they were reacting. I thought she was amazingly brave, and it was too bad not everyone responded back to her.

But I thought the most amazing part of that was that the people who ignored J did not stop her from trying to communicate. I think that was a lesson just especially placed in my lap for the day - to not be so easily discouraged when my attempts to connect with people are rejected or don't go very well. The point is to keep trying for those connections because you meet some interested, fun, and wonderful people that way, even if it only ends up being a five minute conversation in a waiting room.

Just a Few Hurdles

How exciting! I saw the sun today! I am so happy!!!

The day started out at 27 degrees and it was dark when I cleaned stalls and fed the horses.

Java checked out the fresh mud.

The sun was peeking out as I hung out the laundry. I tried to capture the steam coming off the clothing. You can kind of see it between the clothespins.

The temperature progressed to 38 degrees by 10 AM when I was filling the bird feeder and drank my coffee out on the deck. The warmth of the sun, the wonderfully dark coffee blend, the view, they were heavenly.

When we went back in the house, Java stared longingly out the window. I knew she wanted to go for a walk, but I didn't think my hobbling gait was going to get me very far.

I tried to distract Java, but it wasn't working.

Around 11:30 AM, I started to get ready to go trail riding. I made a lunch and gathered up the things I needed. I had to get the truck out of the garage and hitched to the trailer.

I was working on getting everything hooked up when a neighbor's chocolate lab ran through our yard and out the driveway, and Java took off after it. I jumped out of the truck to yell at Java, not realizing I hadn't actually put the truck into park. This was the result.

The trailer got knocked backwards before I could throw the truck into park, burying the trailer stand in the dirt.

My hands were shaking so bad I could barely put the truck into drive so I could go look for Java. I found her laying by the side of the road chewing on a stick. Java jumped into the truck and we drove back home.

Lesson Learned: Put the dog in the kennel when you need to concentrate on something, like hitching up the trailer.

I called H to see if he could come help. He couldn't, but advised me to stack boards under the trailer tongue.

Then raise the trailer stand until I could put blocks under it. Then finally crank up the trailer until it was high enough to hitch the truck.

It worked.

Now I could have gotten all frustrated about so many things going wrong in the past week, did a lot of swearing and crying, broke something, and gone back to bed and pulled the covers over my head. Who would blame me?

But I think I've hit a limit in how much I feel these things. I was definitely shaken; I was so afraid I'd broken something or was in over my head. But I calmed down and handled it.

I'm almost thinking that it's a blessing that so many things are going wrong before the divorce is finalized and I really am completely on my own. Because I'm learning a hell of a lot about fixing things and coping.

Since the trailer was hitched, I went ahead with my plans and went riding. The sun had vanished and with it the warmth, but it was still nicer than it will be when we hit winter, which doesn't officially start until December 21st! It feels so much like it's already here.

There were a few loud ouches when I had to push off the ground and into the saddle with my bad leg and I couldn't turn my foot to get it in the stirrup and had to use my hand to place it there. But I was pretty good after that.

After riding for an hour, I went back to the trailer to warm and unstiffen up a bit. Luke and I shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and oatmeal cookie. He really like the sandwich! Not so much the cookie.

We crossed over to the other side of the park and rode for another two hours. We went down the narrow trail to the right that really isn't for horses.

But the path takes you down to a cool pond and through some rather wild areas where you have to pretty much lean on the horses neck to get through the trees. Fun!

We saw lots of people walking their dogs and each walker seemed to have an entourage of a particular breed. We saw one couple with four dachshunds; a guy with two bull terriers; one lady with two golden retrievers; and another woman with three labs (one of which was joyfully carrying a big stick). The retrievers and labs were well behaved. The dachshunds and bull terriers, not so much.

But the best was when a bald eagle flew about 10 feet to the side of Luke and I when we passed by the river. I drew in an audible "oh", and then laughed, I was so amazed! It was so close, I looked into its eyes and saw the beak and the wingspan and thought of power and freedom and majesty.

Not bad for a trail ride that almost wasn't.

I Don't Think I Broke Anything

Like I said in my last post, Sue, Lynn and I are all taking a little different spin on what we want to accomplish in our November novel writing adventure.

As I understand it, and I'm sure they'll correct me if I get it wrong, Lynn wants to get as much written as possible but because she freelances, she might have to work on an assignment and that would cut down how much she could get done on the novel. But she's shooting for finishing.

Sue has a major story already in progress. She's been so busy welding her art for shows and sales that she hasn't been able to write as much she'd like to. Sue's main goal is to take the opportunity to focus back on her writing and hopefully, get back in the groove.

By the way, it's Sue and her husband's 16th wedding anniversary, 26 years if you count the 10 years together before they made it official. She wrote a wonderful post about how they hooked up and what's made it all work for them. Gives me hope that there are great relationships out there. I just need to find the right match. It sounds so simple, but I know it's not.

Oh, yeah, my goal? I have started at least three books and many short stories. I'm good at starting. Not so good at finishing. And even if I finish something, I'm reluctant to submit it anywhere which kind of defeats the whole purpose. I mean, I love writing, but I hate the business part of it -- the submitting and trying to sell yourself. And of course, I hate the rejection that inevitably comes when you submit your writing.

So my goal is to establish a pattern of writing everyday and to plow through an entire first draft without allowing myself to stop, over-think things, get frustrated and discouraged, and give up. I'm going to do this if it kills me! And Sue and Lynn are going to help make sure that I stick with it.

Speaking of killing me, I seem to be hell bent on self destruction lately. Check this out.

Okay, please do not tell me what an idiot I am. I already know that. I climbed on top of the workbench in the garage to try to capture a photo that showed how humorous the Mini looks parked next to the truck in the garage.

This view didn't quite do it so I was trying to reposition myself, when I tripped on something and fell to the cement floor. I am definitely not going to be hired by National Geographic to capture action shots in Africa. Sheesh! But my camera might not be as bad as I thought it was because it's still working after taking the tumble with me.

Beside the split open, turning purple finger, which is attached to the hand that is attached to the arm that is attached to the injured rotator cuff, which is now even more screwed up; I also smashed the side of my right knee into the floor. It now hurts to walk or bend my knee, and I'm struggling with stairs. But I still cleaned the stalls and hope to take advantage of the sun making an appearance tomorrow by hooking up the trailer and going trail riding. After all it will be my good leg that I need to put in the stirrup and push myself into the saddle with.

It's kind of funny, in a sad way. I've been telling people, "Well, at least I have my health."

Yee! Haw! Cowgirl up!

I'm Whining

Can you say OUCH!? After the doctor got done cranking on my arm in every direction feasible this morning and some that weren't feasible, my shoulder is feeling so much worse than it was. Whine, whine, whine...

It's a rotator cuff issue. Now I have to make an appointment for physical therapy. If that doesn't work, they'll do an MRI and look at doing surgery. I'm planning on success with physical therapy or managing with a bum shoulder.

No one has suggested the perfect light box for me yet. Too bad because the cold, cloudy, rainy, brownness of it all is darn energy depleting. And it's only October! Nothing like looking outside at this...

Or this. Isn't THAT lovely?

I can't afford a light box anyway because my camera is dying and fixing or replacing it will take priority. I took about ten photos of Java in the house yesterday and none of them turned out. The shutter speed was so slow that everything was blurry. I thought I'd try to take some outdoor shots of Java today to see if that was any better and it's not.

Java thinks the pool cover is a trampoline.

The muddy horse shots are a little better.

I know the difference is still shots okay, moving shots not okay. But I tried both the AUTO setting and the action setting and both were equally blurry and I haven't had it happen before where none of the action shots turned out.

I'm going to take my camera to a camera specialty store and get their advice on whether it'd be cheaper to have the camera checked out and repaired or if I'm better off just replacing it. If I replace the camera, I'd probably go with a Nikon D40. What I have right now is a Canon PowerShot S1 IS, which is not a cheap camera, so I hate to just give up on it. But it's always been too slow to recover for action shots and not very good at indoor shots. Very frustrating.

But on the cheery side, I met with two friends this evening. We were meeting to discuss our plan of attack on writing a novel in November. I discovered our plan is to not have a plan or at least have very different plans, as each of us seem to have very different goals as to what we want to accomplish.

The common element is that we want to spend November writing with the hopes of getting unstuck in some area of our writing, but our sticking points are all a little different thus the variation in goals.

I'll write more about that in my next post.

One of Those Fun-filled Vacation Days

I'm still struggling with having things go wrong on what feels like an hourly basis. Not big things, but just little frustrations, like having the prescription reimbursement form in my hand, going to find an envelope, finding the envelope, but then somewhere along the way, I laid down the paperwork, and now I can't find it. I find the paperwork, but now I can't find the stamps I just got out of the drawer.

Or walking into the kitchen to get something, it's on the tip of my tongue, I look around the kitchen, I walk in circles, I get a glass of water, then I give up and go downstairs, where I see Java and remember I was going to get her nail clippers.

Not big stuff, but it wears on you.

Tuesday I was going to work at home, but I overslept and I woke up with a sinus headache. I thought about calling in sick, but I had a doctor appointment to get to and what if I got in a car accident or something? How would I explain driving around on a sick day? I know, I over-think things.

So what do I do? I take a vacation day. Hell of a way to spend a vacation day, let me tell you.

Started out at 7:15 AM driving to an 8 AM appointment with an orthopedic doctor. My shoulder has been hurting for two months and some days I can hardly stand it. I avoided going to the doctor because I'm sure it's some kind of tendon or muscle strain and I'll be told to quit doing all the stuff I do. To which I would have to ask if health insurance would cover having someone come rake and shovel manure; haul grain, hay, salt blocks and whatever else needs lifting and hauling; and open my sliding barn door for me when it sticks because those are the things that are killing me. Could they saddle my horse for me too?

But I thought maybe a doctor could do something to help so I finally made an appointment. I was on my way to the doctor when traffic suddenly came to a dead stop on the so-called freeway. I moved about one mile in 30 minutes. It was already 8 AM and I had several miles to go. I took the next exit and went home. The appointment is rescheduled for tomorrow.

I then cleaned my house, did some paperwork, renewed my library books online, watered and trimmed up my house plants, and did some research on full spectrum light boxes. I need light! If anyone knows how to tell which of the light boxes are good and which are a waste of money, please let me know.

Then I unhooked the truck from the trailer and went to the feed store and bought some feed, wormer (no, I haven't done my Fall worming yet), a salt block for the paddock, and stall bedding.

I also stopped at the battery store to replace my watch battery. I was tired of pulling up my shirt sleeve to check the time and only seeing a bare arm. They wanted $9 for a battery, which seems high to me, but I just wanted to get er done. The guy was putting the watch together when he said, "Oh, oh." Turns out he cracked the watch face. I was actually jubilant since I then got the battery for free! What's a little crack anyway? Until I realized that my watch is probably no longer waterproof. Dang!

I brought the horse stuff home and unloaded it, filled the water tank, brought the horses inside because it started raining and I wanted them out of the way while I picked the paddock and emptied the tractor bucket.

I couldn't do much of a cleanup job because the water and mud are too deep behind the barn and it's probably going to rain off and on the rest of the week. The freezing temperatures at night seem to be preventing the water from soaking into the ground.

Then I cleared a space in the garage and parked the truck inside. I took photos of the truck batteries for H, as he had offered to pick up new ones and switch them out.

I loaded my vacuum cleaner into my car to take it in for repair. I think the belt in the powerhead broke, clue being that the brush doesn't turn anymore. Either I'll get it repaired or replaced, whatever makes sense money-wise.

Besides trying to catch up on blogs, that was about it for my day. I feel like I knocked a few things off my list, but not near enough. It's just never enough.

And what a way to spend a vacation day!

A Rose by Any Other Name...

Just a heads up. You may notice on my blog and in comments on your blogs, that I've started using the name "Maery Rose". Some people have already started addressing me that way so I figured I'd go with it.

Tuna Salad Like G'ma Made

This post is in honor of my son Lain. He called me last Thursday asking where he could find the itty bitty rings to make tuna salad the way his G'ma (my Mom) used to make it for him when he was a kid.

Lain was getting together the onions, celery, hard-boiled eggs, tuna, and mayo but could not find the rings. He ended up buying alphabet pasta, which was close, but not quite the same.

Well, Lain, I thought maybe it was just California that doesn't carry them anymore, but I couldn't find the rings in our grocery store either. But as I was digging through the cupboards looking for spaghetti noodles (which, by the way, I didn't have and had to make tacos instead), I ran across one box of Creamette Rings. I can't find a date on them but I bet I took them out of my Mom's house six (or is it more?) years ago.

THEY MAY BE THE LAST BOX OF CREAMETTE RINGS LEFT ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!

Might be worth coming home for, or Java and I might have to drive them 2000 miles out to you. It'd be totally worth it.

A Weekend Report

It was such a lovely weekend, in comparison to the cloudy, cold, rainy days we've been having. We in Minnesota at times are like cave dwellers. We get so excited about seeing the sun.

I took Java for a walk Saturday morning. Taking a walk seemed like the right thing to do to get myself out of my zomby-like state.

The walk helped break the spell. Unfortunately, when I was driving out of the park, I saw a Boston Terrier had just been hit by a car. The woman who'd hit the dog was on her phone calling the police.

It reminded me of a bird encounter I'd had earlier in the week. I was walking between buildings at work and saw a finch sitting in the road looking confused. I walked up to it, trying to figure out what was wrong. I saw it was sitting next to another finch that had been run over by a truck, probably just happened from the looks of the fresh blood. I was afraid it's mate was going to come to the same fate so I told her how sorry I was, "I completely understand the loss but you need to get out of the street or you will end up the same. Yes, I know, at this moment being hit by a truck might seem like a good thing, but really, you don't want to do that."

She finally flew away, probably to get away from the crazy talking lady.

After lunch on Saturday, I got Luke ready to go to the same park Java and I had been to in the morning. It's been two weeks since I've been able to get out and trail ride and given my continuous lethargy, I needed more time out in nature.

But, alas, when I went to start the truck, the battery was dead. It doesn't seem to hold a charge very well any more and needs replacement.

I unloaded Luke and figured I had no choice but to ride him at home. I had a little bit of a four-letter-word, argument with God, melt-down. I had worked pretty hard to get out of my pajamas and on my feet. The universe could at least meet me half way.

I took Luke out into the pasture, a place full of demons from the way he was acting.

All I saw was the neighbor taking pumpkin pickin' customers out on hay rides.

Murphy forlornly watched Luke and I run around. That's my laundry hanging on the line in the background. Kind of cold for drying outside but I'm trying to cut down the electric bill. That big brown thing is my duvet (was on sale) to cover my new down comforter (I had a coupon) that's going to keep me warm when the furnace thermostat drops down to 60 at night. As you can tell, I've become a little obsessed with my finances.

After riding around the pasture for awhile, I rode Luke in the outdoor ring and then we went and got the mail. Just call us the Pony Express. And we picked some apples too (in right pocket with my camera case).

Luke really enjoyed his apple. I love the way horses lips get all foamy and white from the apple juices.

"Please Ma am, I want some more."

You may have noticed in the photos above that Luke is pretty sweaty. Having put on a winter coat means that Luke really works up a sweat when he's ridden. Even his rump got sweaty. Notice the tail dreadlocks?

Sunday after church, I decided to try and get the truck going. After five minutes of trying to find the stupid little latch thing under the hood, I finally got the hood up and hooked up the charger. Another new thing I know how to do now.

I figured I would take Java for a walk, have lunch, and by then the truck battery should be charged and I could take Luke to the park.

Later, I tried to start the truck and nothing, still completely dead. So I cranked up the voltage to jump the truck and after a couple minutes, I got it started. I noticed the gas tank was completely empty, so I figured driving to the gas station would help charge up the battery, which is what I did, horse trailer and all.

$60 later (and I'd just spend $34 filling up my car), I came home and loaded up Luke. The park was busier than I'd ever seen it. I wasn't the only one who'd anxiously been waiting for a decent day to get out and ride. Luke latched onto a couple horses that went out in front of us and had a hissy fit when I tried to steer away from them.

We ended up crow hopping backwards into a bunch of trees. It was not pleasant. Then he did the head dip, pirouette, swing away from where I was trying to steer him thing. You horse people know what I'm talking about.

I backed him the direction I wanted to go, did several turns on the haunches, backed some more, several turns on the forehand, then started to go on our merry way.

Luke shyed about every 10 steps. I was getting ticked. So I made him do shoulder ins, both direction, leg yielding from one side of the path to the other, 5 meter circles working down the trail. Then we'd walk. If he shyed, we went back through the whole fun sequence.

Eventually, we had a decent ride. Gotta love the challenge... Fortunately, I do.

Say a Prayer for the Cowgirl

I found this video on YouTube. It's been one of my favorite songs for many years, even though it makes me sad. Maybe I've always known in my heart that H wouldn't stay with me forever. Maybe our worlds were just too far apart for me to hang on.

Taking a Break

I'm a hug and kiss in the morning girl.

I'm a spoon in bed

smell his neck at night

and know the world is okay kind of lady.

I'm a sleep with my nose

buried in his t-shirt

for a month after he leaves kind of wife.

I'm taking this one-gal-act offline for awhile. I don't know how long. I just don't want to keep repeating the same laments over and over again. I never want to become predictable.

There's been stuff lately that has hit hard and the holidays are closing in and I think it's time to go off into the desert and try to regroup.

But I will keep following what's going on in your lives and be there to cheer you on.

And if I take any amazing photos that I can't resist sharing, I'll pop in for that too.

Java Working on Her Social Skills

Murphy is taking a load off and trying to snooze..

"This is odd," thinks Java. "Hey! Murphy! Is something wrong with you?"

"Hey! I'm talking to you!"

"This is way too boring. Maybe if I run past Luke with this hunk of paper I can stir up some kind of game."

"No! Luke! Hey! I'm behind you! You're going the wrong way!"

"What do I have to do to get your attention?"

"I have secrets I can tell you. I know you never get in the house. Did you know that..."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Oh, Lord, please don't cry! I get enough of that from the lady of the house."