You Call This a Vacation?

I'm not happy, I'm cheerful. There's a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them.
-- Beverly Sills (1929-) American Opera Singer

Last Monday morning I was cleaning up manure and I must have gotten distracted, which happens quite often to me. Unfortunately, this time it meant that I forgot to close the back barn door.

T, P, and I were pulling weeds around the pool area when I heard some crashing in the barn. I ran to the barn door and when I opened it (after I managed to move Murphy so I could actually swing the door open), I found this.

They had emptied two trash containers and made a mess of the hay bales. Can't even tell there are bales there can you?

Mary, Mary, Mary...

We picked up the mess, but it was too hot to do the actual cleaning in the barn that I wanted to do. That had to wait until Tuesday morning when it was much cooler and less humid out.

P cleaned cobwebs off the highest areas.

While sister T and I cleaned the aisles of loose hay. We also emptied a stall that contained several moldy bales.

I'm on the right.

Such an ENORMOUS help! I couldn't reach the highest peaks of the barn and cleaning up the hay that needed to be tossed out was physically daunting.

We didn't completely finish cleaning up cobwebs and dust because T and P needed to get cleaned up and eat before catching their plane. The stuff that's left is low enough for me to reach so I should be able to finish it up this weekend.

We clean up pretty good. This is my sister and her husband.

And my sister and me. I haven't quite got the smiling thing down like my sister.

Java and I miss them loads and I am so grateful for all the help they gave me. What a blessing they are. I hope we'll be able to get together again soon. And next time we'll do something more fun. Well, unless next time they're helping me move...

I've Been Training for This

What ought one to say then as each hardship comes? I was practicing for this, I was training for this. -- Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher

My sister T and her husband P came to visit me from California. They arrived Thursday evening. Java rode with me to the airport. I had to drive the truck as my Mini doesn't have any leg room in the backseat. Java was a little confused about the circling thing we had to do while T and P waited to get their luggage.

This isn't much of a vacation for T and P. They mainly came to help me out and build up my spirits. Family is sure a good thing to have! I am so thankful that they took time out of their busy lives to help me out.

P and I spent about three hours cleaning up manure and pulling weeds along the fence line. I got compliments from both P and T on my incredible tractor handling skills. I broke one of my manure forks in half with the weight of some of the stuff, but doesn't this look nice?

Here's some of the weeds we pulled.

P was such a huge help! It would have taken me all summer to accomplish what we did during one morning.

These are rocks that the horses play some sort of game with, pulling them from the sides of the barn and kicking them all over the paddock.

Now they are once more piled up against the barn. Come on, say it... "Boy that looks nice Mary!" It doesn't take much to thrill me.

We finished picking up all the manure behind the barn. Oops. I see we missed some weeds along the run-in.

The question now is what to do with this huge manure pile? I don't have a spreader and wouldn't spread it while it's hot anyway. If I can find a low area on the property, I can maybe use some of it for fill.

T and P also helped me sort some things in the basement into piles - things to keep, things to toss, and things to have Goodwill come pick up. I should have taken a before picture but, take my word for it, this is a HUGE improvement. Previously, stuff filled all these shelves and was spilling out every which way.

T and P have also been keeping me well fed. I've got enough food in my refrigerator to feed an army. And Java has been truly enjoying all the attention. She entertained my sister and I by swimming back and forth in the pool for about 15 minutes the other day. I think she knew we were watching. And she wakes P up every morning with a big smooch, which he greatly appreciates.

The sermon this morning at church was on patience - waiting on and trusting God while we wait. It was a good message for someone who has so much going on and changing and is not quite sure where it's all going to take her. But I am assured that I am not alone in all this. I've got plenty of angels watching over me. And I'm finding a sense of confidence that I've never known before.

Quit Sneakin' a Peek at the Next Chapter

Yesterday I was reading an article on the WEBMD site called "50 Great Things About Women Over 50". Quotes were taken from WebMD readers and a few clinical experts. Some things seemed rather superficial like:

"Women over 50 are a powerful market force in today's economy. Women buy 80% of consumer goods and services, and among the 80 million baby boomers, that's power." -- Nancy O'Reilly, PsyD

Well I sure am glad I'm such a powerful force in the economy or did they just call women over 50 shop-a-holics?

But there were a few statements that I fist-punched the air over:

"Women in their 50s make great lovers. Going through menopause can be extremely freeing. As she ages, her sexuality becomes more important, and she is better able to enjoy it." -- Nancy O'Reilly, PsyD

OK. This was a "Yeah! Absolutely!" fist punch. Followed by a sad realization that I'm not into casual sex. As my friend D would say, "Bummer".

"You've learned to appreciate spontaneous humor, for it gives life a spicy flavor. You laugh a lot, and laugh out loud. You let the child within you play. You don't have to be 'perfect' because no one's perfect." -- Shirley W. Mitchell, author of "Fabulous After 50 and Sensational After 60"

I have completely let go of that youthful perfectionism, meant for those with lots of time to spend on one thing and probably on one thing that doesn't matter all that much, like washing windows. I've signed-on fully to the practice of "good enough" for my appearance, my housecleaning, and even important things like my writing. I've got too many things that I enjoy and want to do to waste time striving for perfection.

"You really have learned who you are as a person, what your likes and dislikes are. It makes life ever so much more pleasant and joyful and simpler when you know. The downside is, it makes it hard to find people to date because you're so much more selective." -- J. Ganahl

As I checked out the dating scene on Match.com, I realized I am faced with this dilemma.

"At 50, you realize that life is big, much bigger than you ever knew. You see that life has this ability to be very healing, that the full implications of events aren't always evident. What you might think is awful can turn out to be a blessing." -- Christiane Northrup, MD, author of "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom"

Oh boy! The truth in this one! Although, I'm not sure it's being 50 so much as having something like this divorce happen in my 50s. I don't know if I would have "got it" if this had happened in my 40s. You'll just have to trust me on this because I can't explain it. For me, the next statement ties in closely to the above.

"You know the wisdom of surrender. You're right that your ex-husband wronged you. You can spend the rest of your life beating that drum, but that's the road to bitterness. There is wisdom in letting go of your grievances. You begin to know what's important and what isn't. You know what hill to die on." -- C. Northrup

Do I hear an Amen?

"You have more compassion, more acceptance, for yourself and other people. You are no longer shamed by your own humanity. You learn to see the humor in your own foibles." -- C. Northrup

I have the compassion and acceptance for other people down, but I'm still working on having more for myself. And shame is difficult to escape. I mean, come on! Third divorce?! I feel like I should have "3-D" tattooed on my forehead and let people wonder if I'm some sort of graphics fanatic. I looked up the definition of 3-D and it said "the illusion of depth as seen by the viewer." Wait a minute, I think someone else needs this tattoo! Ha! Ha! There's that humor in my foibles coming out.

"A woman over 50 knows the value of celebrating life. She's sizzling, not fizzling. She's savvy, not sad." -- S. Mitchell

It's only been a little over three months since my world got turned upside down, so naturally, sadness is still very much present. But there are days when I feel the ~sizzle~. When I feel so curious and excited about what tomorrow might bring.

I love adventure, meeting new people, and seeing and experiencing new things. It's frightening, feeling like things are upended and out of control, but it's exciting too... if I can get past the worry and just let the story unfold.

Mom's 85th Birthday

My birth Mom turned 85 last Saturday. There was supposed to be a special birthday party with all her children that could make it there (four out of six of us) and her grandchildren. But Mom cancelled the party a couple days beforehand.

It's really too bad because she hasn't felt well and she's been very lonely. There's no real physical cause for the "not feeling well" except what comes naturally with being 85, what's caused by her own constant anxiety, and the fact that she's lonely. The party would have done her a world of good. But she's done this sort of push-pull thing too many times. People are losing patience and went ahead and honored her request to not be there for her 85th birthday. Very sad.

She's a much different lady than my 90-year-old Auntie that gladly received everyone on her birthday, not worrying about how she looked and realizing full well that as your life draws nearer to the end, you better see your loved ones as often as you can, and be someone people want to be around so they'll come back soon. Good thing to keep in mind at any age.

I did write my Mom a birthday poem. It was difficult because we just can't seem to connect emotionally. She's so nervous that it's hard to even get her to sit still long enough to carry on a conversation. She doesn't listen, but kind of talks over you, too worried about the impression she's making and what you think about her to focus on what you are trying to tell her. Another good thing to keep in mind -- focus on others and listen.

You see, I do learn a lot of things from my Mom.

Birthday Poem for My Birth Mom

It's been a long journey

To get to this place

Rocky and winding

Good and bad times to face

What was lost

Has now been found

To you and my family

I am lovingly bound

Happy Birthday Mom!

Writing Dreams

My friend Lynn is doing a 10 day writing challenge, while I am on the third day of my "however long it takes" manure scoop-along. Anyone want to join me?

I'll spare you more poop photos, but I finished along the side of the barn and the corner alongside the run-in. And right now I can hear rain hitting the window. Hallelujah! We need rain so bad. And if we get enough moisture, I won't be able to shovel tomorrow. Too bad...

Last Friday, Lynn and I met at Truffles and Tortes.

We both brought our copies of the booklet of writing courses being offered at The Loft this Fall. I think we both had about 50 classes marked off that we want to take.

These classes are one reason I would consider living in the city. I can't take evening classes during the week because I have to get home to let out the dog and I live too far from the city to go back and forth. But I can take weekend classes and they have a few I'd like to take including:

• "Writing Your Family Stories: A National Adoption Month Special" - was this class just made for me or what?!
• "How to Plan, Write, and Develop a Book", and
• "Get Published Faster - With Less Stress"

Keeping the writing dreams alive...

But right now, Shy and Java are telling me it's time for bed.

Goodnight all!

Happy 90th!

Started out right away this morning on my manure project. The side of the barn went from this:

To this.

I got the worst of it done in four bucket loads. I know I said I'd only do three but that didn't even take me half way down the side of the barn. Ended up with a blister - should have been wearing gloves.

I haven't had a "happy feet" photo for awhile now. I should go to Fleet Farm and get some bright red boots or ones with flowers on them. These are a bit boring. Hardly "happy".

While I was out mucking, I saw these little bird-behinds sticking out of a nest in the run-in.

Java waited patiently for me to get done working.

Then zoomed around with a piece of horse hoof the farrier left behind.

After all that hard work, I figured I deserved some pancakes and bacon. The bacon is uncured turkey, which kind of tastes like Canadian bacon. I put raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, and walnuts in the pancakes. And I actually didn't burn them for once.

I was invited to a barbecue with some friends but I was also invited to my Aunt Fran's 90th birthday party. She's been pretty sick and my cousin J didn't think she'd make it to her birthday. But my Aunty has been telling everyone in the nursing home about her upcoming party and I think there was just no way she was going to miss it. So neither could I.

We are a happy, silly family.

The cake was scrumptious!

A bit of an update on my friend D and a service her family is using to communicate with everyone and allow us to communicate with her. The service is called Caring Bridge and whoever came up with the idea should get a medal. It allows you to set up a website where the patient or family can keep a journal of what's going on with treatment and how the patient is doing. There's another page where people can write notes to the patient and family. There's another page for photos.

Having this website is really wonderful because D has been in ICU and receiving chemo 24 hours a day, which will go on for seven days, so only immediate family is supposed to visit right now. Besides the benefit to the patient of all the supportive, loving messages that are being posted, it's encouraging to all of us on the outside seeing everyone pull together for her. She's already had 414 cyber visitors in just four days. Plus, I'm getting to know a side of many of my co-workers I've never seen before.

Hope you had a good weekend!

One Bucket at a Time

It's 7:30 and I'd like to just pop some Ibuprofen and go to bed. It's been a day.

Started out pretty light. Java and I drove to the Rum River park. Java loves her Mini compartment.

Usually, Java and I walk at a pretty brisk pace as I'm trying to loosen up after a day at work sitting and staring at a computer screen and Java's been cooped up in the house all day. But today, we took a more leisurely stroll where I tried to photograph the flowers I saw along the way. I don't know any of there names, except I'm hoping these are daisies.

I ran across several kinds of purple flowers.

And this is a lovely yellow flower with a bee in the blossom if you look very closely.

Even Java stopped to sniff at the flowerage before biting it.

It's been horribly, I mean HORRIBLY, dry here. The river is very low and has a lot of algae collecting as there's not enough flow to prevent green gunk from pooling.

In a deeper, clearer section of water, Java took her usual dip.

After our walk, I stopped at the co-op and bought an oatmeal, chocolate chip cookie for desert after lunch. I needed to recharge before riding Luke.

This is a front view of the headgear I use on the horses when riding to keep the bugs away from their ears and eyes. It may look funny but it works really well. Stops all that obnoxious head shaking they do if the bugs get in their face.

We rode in the arena since H used the truck this weekend. I haven't ridden Luke in the arena since I figured out how to pull the trailer. It was probably good for us as Luke moves well in a straight line but has some balance issues with circles. He tends to lean to the inside. My legs got quite the workout trying to push him to the outside rein.

After riding in the ring, I took Luke to check the pasture fencing. We'd had some strong winds last week and I wanted to make sure a tree hadn't fallen onto any parts of the fencing. I didn't find any fallen trees but the pasture is a bigger mess than I've ever seen it. Everything is overgrown, which is weird considering how dry it is. I suppose weeds are thriving while grass is dying. Can you even see the t-posts? Do you think the electric is working or completely grounded out by weeds?

This is our pond. Do you see any water? Neither do I.

After riding Luke, I set to doing something I should have done at the beginning of spring and then kept up on all summer but haven't had the energy or drive to get to -- the infamous paddock manure cleanup.

I started out by scrubbing out the water tank and refilling it. Then I cleaned out the stalls and moved the hay that had been insulated the water pump during the winter but now was just blocking the aisle.

I decided I would shovel three tractor buckets of manure a day and no more. Every time I take this cleanup on, I end up hurting my ribs and back and get what people refer to as "tennis elbow". In my case, it's called manure elbow.

This was the run-in shed before I cleaned it. It's hard to see the old manure but it's stacked about four inches high.

And post clean up. Looks much better.

Here's the manure pile and more overgrowth covering up the fence line. Usually I use up some of the manure on my garden, but alas, not this year.

I started a little bit on the outside of the run-in shed, then tackled this mess. It's hay that the horses didn't eat and then they pee on it, turning it into a very nasty looking and smelling mess. You have to have a strong stomach to take this on.

And strong arms to lift the sopping mess.

Much better. It will dry up by morning.

Tomorrow I'll hit this mess on the side of the barn -- a bucket at a time.

I'd make some analogy, comparing manure to the state of my life and shoveling myself out from under and on and on, but I'm just too pooped.

Sorry, couldn't resist...