Pain of Losing a Pet

In another month, it will be a year since my Willow dog died. I spent all last summer trying to save her.

I was reminded again recently of the pain of losing a pet member of the family. It made me think of one aspect of losing Willow that I’ve never heard other people talk about and I’m wondering if I’m the only one who has felt this.

Willow was with me through a very difficult part of my life (yes, I’ve had a few other difficulties besides the one I’m in now). Willow was a comfort through the fear and grief.

But she was also there through some big, happy changes in my life – buying my own house, the freedom of being able to express myself after getting out of an abusive relationship, a wonderful new friendship, some great times with my son, meeting my biological family, and meeting and marrying H.

I think because of this, my time with her and our relationship came to represent many things to me. When she died last August, I didn’t just lose her, it’s like I lost a chunk of my life. So I didn’t just grieve over the loss of the good in that 12 years of my life but even over the bad.

I think it brought up the regrets, the things I wish I’d done differently during that part of my life, the things I didn’t take time enough to appreciate, the opportunities lost. Maybe a part of me unconsciously realized that another big part of my life with Willow was also about to end.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt that when they’ve lost their pet friend? Do all the memories come flooding back, not just about the animal, but about everything that happened during the time you were together?

It makes me wonder what Java will represent. Considering how funny, energetic, and joyful she acts, maybe she'll represent a childlike awareness and curiosity about life, a renewed feeling of energy, and she'll represent fun and laughter.

The other day she jumped up after a butterfly. When she landed on the ground, she looked back at me with such a grin on her face it made me laugh and think, "such simple pleasure. Why can't I be more like that?"

Maybe I can.

Moving On and On and On

It's been quite a day, well, weekend actually. No fun stuff with friends but lots of other doings.

Yesterday, I drove to a townhouse I thought might work for me in the future. It was the third one I've driven past to check out the location, traffic, and vibes. Yesterday I took Java with me to get her opinion.

We weren't impressed with the townhouse complex -- itsy-bitsy patios with no shade (I guess that's to be expected), nothing you could call a yard, ugly exterior, and a garage just barely big enough for my Mini Cooper. They've all been like that. But this one was on a biking and walking trail system. Java and I followed a dirt packed trail through a pond area (lots of tadpoles that Java enjoyed stirring up) and a woodsy area.

We finally turned around when there was no end in sight. Had a nice conversation with a woman jogging who admired Java's cuteness and soft fur. We'd gone for a walk in the Rum River Park earlier in the day, where a couple women also stopped to admire Java. I've heard of men using dogs as chick magnets. So far I'm getting the chicks, but no roosters.

Anyway, the townhouse is not my dream home but seemed like a nice area that we could live with temporarily. Ultimate goal is to have a place with our own fenced in yard for Java to play in.

Funny, I worry more about the effect of the change of living conditions on my animals than I do on myself. I guess because I understand what's going on. I feel bad for them, because I can't explain to them why they are going somewhere else.

After our walk, Java and I drove another 30 minutes farther west to check out a horse boarding facility on the Luce Line trail, which is a nice, long trail system for horses, bikes, dogs, and pedestrians (not all on the same trail). Unfortunately, the boarding facility looked overcrowded and run down. The paddocks were small and some didn't have shelters for the horses to escape the bugs. Sigh... Keep looking.

I'm thinking when the house actually sells, I'll put up posters at every feed and tack store, gas station and restaurant I can think of. "Homeless woman looking for a place to board two horses within riding distance of horse trails." Okay, maybe I should leave out the homeless part lest I frighten someone.

So that's where I am now. Less bummed out about losing H. More worried about the house going up for sale on July 1 and not knowing where the animals and I are going. Still looking for that door to open -- keepin' the faith that something will turn up when I need it.

For relaxation purposes, I baked some bread. I am so proud of this loaf! I have no idea what I did differently but there are some air holes this time! My previous loafs have tasted good but they've been awfully dense. Maybe it was just the warmer weather made the dough rise more.

This morning I went to church where the sermon series switched from "Don't Give Up" to "Self-Help or God's Help?". Good message for someone like me that tries to do everything herself. I've caused myself a number of injuries that way.

But I'm learning to reach out and ask for help. Sometimes people respond and help, sometimes they are too busy. I understand. Just makes me think about the times I've been too busy and resolve to notice when people need a hand and do more, even when they say "No, I'm fine," like people often do.

After church, I took Luke to the park and rode for a couple hours. Sorry, no photos. It's a good thing I didn't try to carry a camera because it was extremely windy today and goblins were hiding everywhere!

It's funny how when a horse sees a branch sticking up from the ground, they seem to automatically assume it's an alligator or snake, regardless of whether they have ever seen an alligator or snake in their entire life but have seen branches in the grass a bajillion times!

A couple spots had large branches blocking the path. The first one we ran into sent Luke into a spin slightly off the trail where he slammed my knee into a tree. I think it was a move something like this...

At least he didn't run into the oncoming car. I'm not one to try and argue with a frightened horse. I got off and, without a backward glance at Luke, led him past the scary branch. The next blocking branch we ran into, Luke just walked past it, as I knew he would.

Besides a few flinches along the way, the rest of the ride was great! We did a lot of trotting and cantering, partially because we were being pursued by deer flies. There were some muddy spots from the rain we've had the last couple days. One downhill stretch that I pushed Luke to take turned out to be deeper and more slippery that I had planned. It was one of those "Oh, Oh" moments, but I was proud of how Luke managed to not fall.

Yes, all and all, a very relaxing weekend. Really, I do feel great. Love the cooler, less humid weather. Finally, a day without a humidity headache. Woo hoo!

And to top it off, I made an awesome burger for myself for dinner. Mixed the hamburger with Cajun seasoning, garlic, onion, pepper, and seasoned salt. Put it on my homemade bread and had some seasoned sweet potato chips on the side. Yummy!

And just to finish off with a touch of cuteness, here's a photo of Shy and Java hangin together. Looks like they are trying awfully hard to ignore each other. Kind of looks like some old married couples...

I hope ya'll had a wonderful weekend.

Yeah, Baby!

I figure it's time for a "happy feet" photo.

The Birkenstock photo is in honor of my sister SS. Sister SB and T, you just hush now! SS and I, we know what's stylin'. We are groovin in our Birkys!

Oh, yeah, that's right. SS doesn't like it when I try to make her out as a hip, liberal, green girl. And she ain't no long-haired, tie-dyed, hippy either!

I just know there is a tree hugger hiding in her somewhere. She has rain barrels for cryin' out loud!

Come on! Admit it SS! You are secretly lusting for an electric car and a mood ring!

Okay. I've probably totally blown the sisterly bonding over our comfy Birkenstocks, that I was going for. Come on -- sing it!

Nine Years Ago

It's our 9-year wedding anniversary today and it's been tough. I had hoped to be out at a fancy restaurant, sipping a glass of wine. I was REALLY looking forward to our 10th anniversary because I figured 10-years was worthy of taking a big trip -- Hawaii, Ireland, Spain, a Mediterranean cruise -- I shouldn't have put it off.

My friend B sends me a number of encouraging cards. One of the recent ones had a quote from Zora Neale Hurston,

"There are years that ask the questions and years that answer."

To that I would add,

"There are years to try on new things and see how they fit."

I promise, I won't really try this new hairstyle...

I could come up with a long list of things I'd like to do, and actually I have done exactly that. But I read it and it feels empty. Such a bunch of on-the-surface, goals, dreams, and happiness malarky.

Ya know what I really want? I want to spread love. Oh, now I sound like a hippy. But really, in March I had been having this epiphany and was feeling overwhelming love for people, people I previously didn't even like, annoying people.

I don't know where this feeling came from, but I was looking forward to a summer of loving everybody. I was planning on having family, old friends, new friends, maybe people on the street out to our house. And I was going to entertain and cook and bake and there'd be music and dancing.

You have to understand, this is not like me. I'm shy and reserved.

But I was bubbling over and overflowing with feelings of generosity and luv. It was crazy! And kind of scary!

But then the floor dropped out from under me and here I am. The problem now, is re-lighting the spark. And wondering what I have to give. There won't be a pool. Or horses in the back yard. Or all the other stuff I have now that I wanted to share. There's just me and that doesn't seem like much.

But it's something. I know it is. I know what it is to hurt. I know what it is to be lonely. I know what it is to lose hope. And with that understanding and compassion, perhaps I can do something to make a difference, not a huge, save-the-world difference, but a little difference anyway.

So how's this for an "About Me"?

My Dad was a real cowboy. But not me. I was given up for adoption and raised in the suburbs. But what makes a person a real cowboy or a real cowgirl? Guts, that what! And I have plenty of those.

I am on my own again, after nine years of marriage. I'm breakin new trails, riding my trusty steed, with my sidekick, Java at my side. I thank God for friends and family and all the blessings in my life.

I hope you’ll settle back with a good cup of coffee (or tea for you healthy, calm types) and enjoy the story as it unfolds. It’s a mystery, sure to be full of drama, surprises, a few tears, new experiences, and lotsa laughter.

Summerizing

I worked from home today. Hard to concentrate at times because I keep noticing loose hair on Java that obsessively have to pull out.

But working at home is nice because there is no drive time so once I'm done working, I can get some stuff done.

I went to a greenhouse a couple miles away from home. I was hoping to find three types of tomatoes to plant in containers. What I found was one grape tomato plant and a yellow pepper plant. I'll need to go to another greenhouse to find what I was looking for.

I was also looking for some annuals to put in five containers around the pool. I'm trying to make things look nice for when the house is shown. Well, and also to look nice for me. It's been hard to do anything around the house that I generally do to summerize and make things pretty. Hell, it's been hard to even clean the house. It doesn't feel like my home anymore.

But it was nice to buy some plants and play in the dirt and such. It's always healing to grow something. Besides, in the unlikely occasion that I have to be out of the house before summer is over, I can always take the plants with me.

It was into the 90s today and very humid. Not the best weather to be out in the sun doing garden work. But the sun kind of bakes the bad stuff out of me. And after getting really sweaty and dirty, I can go swimming. Aaahhh...

I swim laps while Java runs along side me. About every other lap, she jumps in and goes after me and of course, scratches me with her nails, while I try to direct her back out of the pool.

I discovered that Java has a toy stash out in the yard. She has a rock, stick, hunk of carpet, and frisbee all neatly arranged under a pine tree. Silly girl..

With the humidity and heat, come the gnats in all their glory. They cause so much more damage to the horses than the flies do. Luke is showing signs of fly or mosquito bite bumps.

Both horse have scabs and bleeding from burrowing gnats. The photos don't do justice to the carnage.

I put on Equi-Spot because I read some people were having luck fighting bugs with it. I don't think anything works on repelling gnats and I still saw a number of flies going after my boys.

The best thing I've found for the gnats is petroleum jelly. It doesn't repel the gnats, but they can't get through the goo. If they try, they just stick and die.

Take that you nasty buggers!

Happy Father's Day

Fathers Day Poem

It was always kind of hard
To find a Father's Day card.
Nothing on the shelves seemed to fit the mold,
When you meet your Dad when you are 40-years-old.
No "Thanks for being there." or "I learned so much from you."
Just a simply "I love you" is all I could do.
I've been told you weren't quite father of the year.
It's not exactly what I wanted to hear.
But the man I found was warm and funny in his own way.
They say that was because of the cancer; you saw your limited days.
I miss you so. Oh, you don't know how much.
I wish you were here, you could be my much needed crutch.
But it's Fathers Day and this should be about you.
I'll always cherish every moment shared, I hope you did too.
Your hugs, big and enveloping as the sky,
I will carry in my heart until the day that I die.
We are your legacy, your children, you see.
The best way we can honor your life is to be all we can be.

I love you Dad.
Happy Father's Day.

Stir Me Up, Let Me Loose

It's time for my second installment of my Lift-my-spirits and Feel-good List.

So, another thing I use to get out of the dumps is music. Music fills me up in a way nothing else can. Once it's poured inside me, it has to come out in loud, emotional singing; or in wild, sensual, motion; or preferably, both.

I can pound and stroke my feelings out on the piano, or slide them from here to there on the flute. I can sing out the feelings that bubble in the pit of my stomach in a soft, bluesy whisper or a strong gush of loud, rockin' cries.

Music is an outlet for my restlessness. It fills my chest until my ribs feel like they’ll pop. The beat dances the rumba with my heart. I close my eyes and sway while the song takes me away.

Music can express every possible human emotion. I heard a song (can't for the life of me remember who did it or what it's called) that was something about "If I was a song" and how wonderful that would be because you'd live on forever, bringing happiness to so many people. Not the right words, but that was the jist of it.

Dancing around the house by myself is freeing but it’s not enough. I long for live music and to be able to people watch. Ohhhh, people watching... Aren't we just the darnest things? I’m not making fun, really... I love watching the smiles, the flirting, the bravado.

Dancing is ageless. There's a young dancer that lives in all of us. I love watching that hidden spirit come out in people - especially in women over 40. When they dance they become a young woman again -- sexy, beautiful, fun, and adventurous. It's the way we are on the inside and should allow ourselves to be on the outside.

I can feel the heat stirring. I need to find someone to go dancing with before I implode. Besides, when I dance at home, Java barks at me. It kind of dampens the whole “aren’t I sexy and daring” feeling I’m trying to put on.

For a great pick-me-up, check out Sue's blog, where she's posted the Eurythmics singing "Brand New Day"

"No, I won't be sad. I won't be destroyed. Hey, it's a brand new day."

Trying to be Good

As Java ran towards the horses, I told her to sit and stay. Look at that obedient dog...

Should have snapped a photo 5 seconds later when she went running through the fence and chased them. But I'll leave you with this angelic impression.

Lift-my-spirits and Feel-good List

I’ve been trying to figure out how and when I should update my profile so new people who land in my blog don’t read "About Me", then read my posts and wonder what the heck is going on. Here’s one attempt at a rewrite:

"At the moment, I live on 10 acres with my dog, cat, and two horses. But my husband left me, the house is going up for sale, one of the horses will be sold, and I don’t know who I am anymore or where I’m going."

OK. That’s really bad. Maybe I need to have a contest – see if someone can come up with a new profile for Mary, who by the way will be Maery after the divorce. Turns out I can change my whole name if I want to.

OK. Forget the profile for now.

I’ve been working on creating a lift-my-spirits and feel-good list that I can pull out and pick one of the things on the list to do when I’m having trouble beating back the blues.

I want to do things that take me outside my head and put me back in my body, experiencing life right now, instead of running amuck with fear of the future.

So for the next few days, or however long it takes, I’m going to create my list of feel-good experiences. I’m planning on only posting one thing on my list at a time so all my posts aren’t as long as this one.

I will also take that lift-my-spirits, feel-good thing and put it into terms of a future something that I can look forward to. I need to start seeing the possibility of some positive experiences in my future.

Drum roll please….

#1 - Being in, on, or around a body of water.

I went swimming on Sunday to cool off after a rather hot, humid walk with Java. There is something so refreshing and cleansing about taking a swim in very cold water and then taking a hot shower and putting on comfy, cozy dry clothes.

Our home pool is my own private water oasis. Even a man made body of water is just plain nice to sit next to, dangle your feet in, and enjoy the blueness. The chlorine smell of a pool is not as memorable as the earthy, rich smell of a lake or river, but I can overlook that. Our pool is even nicely surrounding by river rock so I’ve been able to collect quite a few agates without heading up to the North Shore.

I had wanted to put a fountain in the pool so I could get that splashing, waterfall sound that is so relaxing.

But better than the sound of a fountain is the sound of waves rushing up on the shore. Like when you are standing by Lake Superior or next to the ocean. I can hear it now, in my head, the woossshhh and crash of the waves on rocks or into a crevice running up between jutting cliffs and shore.

I recall the smell of the salty, seaweedy ocean; the feeling of waves washing over my bare feet and shifting and sucking at the sand, leaving grains of grittiness between my toes.

Java would like the ocean too. I can see her playing like these dogs I photographed in California.

But I like the calm water too. The lake at 6 AM, before the wind comes up, glassy smooth, the only ripples are those coming from a bug gliding, a fish jumping, or a turtle poking it’s head above the surface. It’s the best time to fish. Everything is so quiet, just the sound of your lure hitting the water, then the whirring noise as you reel in and the water shimmers and drips off the line.

Catching a fish isn’t the point – it’s the rhythm of casting and reeling. It’s the eery beauty of a loon call or the amazing sight of an eagle picking a fish out of the water, landing on a log and eating breakfast. You gasp, hand over mouth, and can't believe you've witnessed anything so powerful and graceful, all in one.

Joy is skimming across the water, self-propellled, in your own mini cocoon. The rhythm, oars breaking the surface, the pull of the oar against water, muscles you haven't used for awhile, the cool drip down the oar onto your skin, the splash, the glide -- it feels so good.

Or watching your dog enjoy the water – throwing a ball or stick for them. The happy look on their face, the concentration while they swim to the object and snatch it up in their mouth, then the frantic run out of the water, a full body shake, collar jingling, me running for cover from the water exploding in all directions. I laugh, I think Java does too, and we do it all over again, and again, and again.

Both Java and I need frequent water fixes and we have lots of options with all the rivers and lakes around us, at least before winter blows in and everything freezes. During the winter, bubble baths are a nice water option.

Something to Look Forward To:

Once I have my bearings and the horse(s) are being taken care of at a boarding facility (maybe next summer), I can rent a cabin or pitch a tent up north, where Java and I can get a true water and woods experience.

It's also true that I can live anywhere I want to, well, anywhere that I can find a job to pay the bills. So maybe I live on or near a lake, river, or even the ocean.

A cowgirl can dream...

What I Cannot Change

I was reading Copper Pony's Cowgirl's blog and a song by LeAnn Rimes happened to be playing called "What I Cannot Change". It brought tears to my eyes. Not looking for that reaction from you, but I think it's a beautiful song. I hope you enjoy it.



If you liked the song, I'd suggest also reading LeAnn's thoughts about letting go, forgiveness, and learning to love on her website.

It especially hit home what she says about "I will learn to let go of myself. Sometimes I hold back my emotions, too afraid of being hurt or judged...I have always felt like everyone I love will eventually leave me."

It's tough not believing this when the pattern keeps repeating. Makes me think I need to "change whatever I, whenever I can" to stop this pattern in my life.

Just need to figure out what that change is. Maybe it's something about me or maybe it's that I hook up with people who leave rather than put in the time, effort, and communication required to work out problems. Maybe it's a little of both.

Floatilla Photos

Sue has posted photos of her Floatilla party. Stop on over to Sue's blog and check them out!

Just for a Laugh

It's been a busy weekend. The weather has been too nice to spend very much time inside. I even took a swim in the pool! The water was 77 degrees, and I got a cramp in my foot as soon as I broke the surface, but it was still wonderful.

I was hoping Sue would have photos on her blog by now of Saturday's Floatilla party but she also must be enjoying the great outdoors. Several people went floating down the river in kayak, canoe, and other contraptions. I didn't have any floatable so I just went to the after-party.

The floaters had wonderful costumes that they wore. Next year, the theme may be zombie brides. I will definitely be all over that one!

There was a lot of wonderful food and a bonfire. Ghost stories were told as bats flew over us. Then somehow we progressed onto stories of pet woodchucks and a debate on how much wood can a woodchuck chuck. We progressed onto other animal stories. At one point, there was a great imitation of a guinea hen, and a discussion of how the hens' feathers kind of look like the streamers you might have put on your handlebars when you were a kid (I think that's the vulturine version of the guinea), which then progressed to wouldn't it be great idea to tie a guinea hen onto your bike and use it to warn people of your approach rather than a bell or horn. I think there were quantities of wine involved with this train of thought.

Anyway, it was a lot of fun and a lot of laughs and laughter is such good medicine.

With that in mind, I thought I'd post this video of me taken last summer, when I took up golf to spend more time with H. I really did have fun golfing. I loved the social aspect of being out with friends, being outside, and hitting something as hard as I can. Golf courses really are beautiful (if I can shut off the voice screaming inside my head about all the awful chemicals they use and how they are using up all the water).

But back to the video. I was working on my golf swing and trying to slow it down to be more accurate. I truly believe this golf swing might have led to H's initial thoughts about divorce...

Saint Cloud Crawling with Art

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." 

~Albert Einstein

I love that the above quote comes from Einstein. Who would of thought a genius like him would think such foofy thoughts? I think we could have definitely sat down and had coffee and discussed life.

Lynn and I went to an Art Crawl in Saint Cloud Friday evening. The Art Crawl occurs about every three months. Lynn writes for Central Minnesota Women magazine. Her last article was on women who love to fish, and her next article will be on the Art Crawl. Lynn had already taken some photos and done some interviews at the March Art Crawl event but needed a few more photos and another interview.

My cousin A was supposed to meet us at a coffee shop called Meeting Grounds. This is a photo of A.

Yeah, right. After waiting for A for about 45 minutes, I called her and asked "Are you lost?" To which A responded, "No, I'm just standing in my kitchen. Why?"

She thought the Art Crawl was next Friday. Okay, I'm not going to say much, because I can totally see myself making a mistake like that. But it was pretty disappointing since I was so looking forward to seeing her and catching up.

"Hey, A, these are the photos I took for you. Almost as good as being there. Can't you just taste these scrumptious treats?"

There was food to munch on all over the place. And wine. I got yelled at, well, actually Lynn got yelled at because "her friend" had walked out onto the sidewalk and was drinking wine rather than inside where you were supposed to stay. 

Okay, I have to back up to say that this little dweeb in a suit first yelled at Lynn because she was taking photos of people looking at artwork in this guys shop. Lynn explained that she was doing an article on the event and he should have received a notification about that, and she was taking photos of the general surroundings not a specific piece of art, since that can be a no-no without the artist's permission.

The Dweeb still told Lynn she couldn't take photos and he was not nice about it. So we left and stood outside and thus the wine scandal. I am scarred for life...

Other than Mr. Cranky Pants, all the people in the other buildings were very welcoming and happy to have photos taken in hopes of getting a decent mention in the article.

I really liked the artwork of Anne Meyer. My favorite was called Grandpa Sleeping. You'll have to go to her website and take a look as we really did respect the whole unwritten rule of not photographing individual pieces without permission. Anne also had a drawing of her Mom that I liked because of the expressiveness and personality Anne managed to capture.

Besides art, there was music.

And there was a chance to try your hand at rock chiseling.

I thought this vintage bicycle was a work of art.

This is the Paramount theatre. Besides  the stage events that take place, they also offer art classes there in such things as ceramics, fiber arts, and painting.

I saw this Pooping Dog on a building. I thought maybe it was a doggy clean up service but it turns out they sell calendars, t-shirts, mugs, etc. with, you guessed it, pictures of pooping dogs.

Lynn and I noticed there was an Electric Fetus in Saint Cloud. Brought back youthful memories, not of the head shop type supplies there of course, but of the incense and used records and such. 

I picked up three used CDs. Patsy Cline! How could I pass that by! Terri Clark had to come home with me because of the title "Pain to Kill". And Macy Gray? Hey! It has a song called "Sex-O-Matic Venus Freak"! How could I resist that? Yes, I have a somewhat eclectic taste in music. The other stuff in the photo below are things I picked up along the way, including the magazine Lynn writes for.

Today should be another busy day - trail riding, a walk with Java, grocery shopping (out of coffee - GASP!), and getting together with friends this evening.

It's supposed to be a beautious day! Hope it is wherever you are too! Have a super weekend!

Coyote Stalking

"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and to have one hell of a good time. Sometimes, this makes planning the day difficult."  

~E. B. White

I tried to get photos of a coyote in our pasture using my telephoto but even with the tele, I couldn't get enough zoom. 

Java chased a coyote the other day the full length of the pasture until she saw she was outrun. She makes a nervous wreck out of me sometimes... Can't wait until I can start working with the training collar actually turned on.

Here's a video of Java swimming after a ball, a much safer pastime than coyote chasing.

Just Over the Hill

So many memories put away.

Need to go through them.

No, not today.

My Mom's china,

My son's artwork and toys,

Just start sorting through it,

One of life's little joys.

Pieces that remind me where I've been.

Memories of things 

I thought I'd never go through again.

I take another look

At the piles of stuff.

Turn and walk away,

For now it's too tough.

Escape with my horses,

Take a walk with my dog.

I know that eventually,

I'll be in less of a fog.

And then I'll deal with it.

I promise I will.

I can see the time coming,

Just over the hill.

The sermon at church yesterday was called "Don't Give Up!" It was the third sermon in a series focused on helping people cope with hard times brought on by the economy or other circumstances in people's lives. The big question the minister tried to answer is how do you not give up when things seem hopeless or you feel like the circumstances you've been handed are just too much to bear? 

His message was just what I needed to hear and I spent Sunday feeling so strong and hopeful. I was afraid it wouldn't last, and it didn't. Not because what was said wasn't valuable and lasting, but because grieving is a process that doesn't take you in a straight line upward. And there are times when I question how the heart can hurt so much and continue to beat.

But tomorrow, more than likely, I will feel great again. I have a lot of good company in these up and down moments. In Psalm 31:10, David writes, "My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak." 

While in well know Psalm 23:6, David writes, "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

David had a lot of ups and downs, as did many in the Bible, and as many of us do today.

No matter how great you feel, or how organized you are, or optimistic, confident, and together you are, there is going to be "stuff" that happens that hurts you, makes you angry, and sometimes levels you. But there are good and bad ways to look at those events and to handle those times.

Often, I have blamed God. "Why me?!" I ask. Am I such a bad person? I wonder why I'm being punished. And what's next? Because as soon as I feel happy and relax for a moment, BOOM!, I'm hit with the next earthquake.

But am I really singled out? From what I read in Blogland, no. Circumstances vary, but the suffering itself is not unique.

I've been told all my life that God's love and presence in your life is all that you can really depend on, and my life experience says that this is true. The struggle is whether God is enough. I've been left with a hole the size of the Grand Canyon inside me, and I am so tempted to sign up with E-Harmony and have them send some men my way. That will fix me right up! I wish I could insert a beeper sound effect here. AAAAH! Wrong answer!

In the sermon on Sunday, the minister read 1 Corinthians 10:13 - "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

The temptation for me, besides to join E-Harmony, is to simply give up -- to crawl into bed and never get up again. To stop eating and see if I can completely disappear. And, by the way, I do eat! I find the weight loss actually interesting from a mind versus body standpoint. Can grief literally eat away at you? I hope not, but I imagine this will eventually turn around also. 

Back to 1 Corinthians 10:13, which says that God will not allow us to face more than we can bear. He will provide a way for us to stand up under it, be that by giving us strength, a word of encouragement from scripture or from a friend, or by giving us a new day with renewed hope and better perspective. 

As abandoned as I may feel at times, I have to acknowledge that all those things I listed above have come my way and helped me feel better. Even this blog, starting it when I did, so it was there when the divorce announcement was made. I get so much enjoyment and inspiration from reading about so many amazing lives. So much talent, generosity, and wisdom out there.

And that's the wonder of the hard times, how you end up noticing and appreciating the people in your life so much more. You find out what's really important and what isn't. You find out what is truly lasting and what is just an unimportant distraction.

I Have the Technology!

Okay. This is my first attempt at adding video to my blog. Be patient with me. I don't quite get the editing yet. I wanted to do certain portions slow motion but could not get the effects editor to open, no matter how many times I watched the video that showed me how it's supposed to work. iMovie's Help totally stinks! 

I also wasn't sure how much to compress or what settings to use. My first save was 97 MB! I got it down to 7.3, but now it looks kind of dotty. Any suggestions from you experienced video-ographicers?

Anyway, this is Java playing frisbee. She's getting better at catching it. You might also notice she has a training collar on. According to the DVD that came with the collar, you are supposed to put it on for about a month and play and train the dog before you ever start to actually turn it on and use it. That way the dog hopefully associates the collar with fun time and not with being hit by lightening. Plus you are working on basic come and stay, within reach before moving on to obeying commands in an open field. 

Hope you enjoy the video!

Seasickness, Riding, and Theatre

I took yesterday off from work. I've got some vertigo thing going and this has made me feel like one of the characters on "The Perfect Storm". I just want to batten down the hatches. 

The dizziness and nausea are usually worse in the morning, so after being up for a few hours and acquiring my sea legs, I loaded up Luke and spent two hours riding in the Rum River park. 

Luke and I have gotten darn good at this whole routine. We are both getting more and more relaxed about trailering and about being out on our own in the woods. I was even able to carry on a phone conversation with my son while trotting up a couple hills and dealing with a jogger and her dog putting Luke on high alert. At least Luke is not a bolter. When he's surprised by something, he kind of flinches or jumps, but he doesn't go anywhere.

I found two good areas to canter in the park, nice and straight, flat, and soft footing. The first stretch Luke did more of a flat out run, which was kind of fun. In my younger days, I used to do these runs jockey style and go over a couple logs to boot. I still like speed but Luke really needs work on a nice controlled, balanced canter and that's what we managed in the second stretch we ran in.

It was such a gorgeous day! One of those days where you look around and marvel at how beautiful everything is and how lucky you are to be out enjoying it. It's times like those that I feel God's presence in my life most strongly. Unfortunately, when I arrive back home and face the laundry, messy kitchen, paperwork, and all the stuff that should get done staring me in the face, I lose that sense of peace and good-will toward men. Sigh...

Deep breathes Mary, that's it. Reeeellllaaaaxxx...

I just thought I'd update you on my bread making progress. I'm on my second batch of dough and this time I added rosemary and thyme to the dough. It added some nice flavor and I think my loaves are looking a little better. The inside of the bread might be a bit too dense. It still tastes good but I'd like to see if I can find a way to make it more airy. Plus there are variations you can do with the shape of the loaf, which I think I'll try before making the leap to trying to mix in other kinds of flour, like whole wheat, which can make a huge difference in how the loaf turns out. 

I've always liked science, and making bread, or any kind of cooking sometimes feels like a chemistry experiment, at least when I do it. Especially since I rarely have all the ingredients for the recipe on hand and tend to supplement or skip ingredients. I've started to wise up and jot down in recipes when I make changes so if by rare chance it does turn out well, I can try and repeat what I did.

Yesterday, Lynn and I went to the Yellow Tree Short Play Festival as part of her birthday celebration. Yellow Tree Theatre is a little-known, small, local theatre that is close to home and opened about a year ago. It's a great discovery since most the theatre is far from home and can be pretty expensive. 

Okay, so the strip mall ambiance might not be the best, but the inside was cute and the plays we saw were excellent. 

What Lynn and I went to was kind of an open house thing, with 7 short plays. Their titles are on the yellow flyer in left side of photo. Oh yeah, the photo. I tried to remove the background. I think it's a nice, arty effect...

Most of the short plays were based around the sad state of the economy - foreclosures, homelessness, unemployment, etc. Sounds bleak, but in much the same way I like to do, they depicted something sad and disturbing in a humorous, entertaining way. Like the first play about a young couple losing their home and spending their last night in their house playing around in the living room, pretending to be Lord Fartsalot and Lady Sextitillating (or something like that).

We were given a microscopic piece of desert after the plays that was dreamy, a lot like tiramisu only with a lot of rum in it. Yummm! We could have also had a complimentary splash of wine, but I'd already had a glass of Pinot Grigio during the play, and what I needed was a cup of espresso to wake up (only 4 hours of sleep Thursday night).

Today it's chilly and rainy out. I'm hoping it rains all day as we only had about a half inch of rain during the whole month of May and sorely need some moisture. 

I took a couple videos of Java the other day and I hope to figure out how to edit and post them in the next couple days. Do I have you sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation?!