I Love the Rum!

I woke up and realized I was a double-D, not the bra size, I mean that I was feeling the effects of divorce and depression. 

I did the only thing a cowgirl can do in such a situation. I loaded my horse onto the trailer and went trail riding.

This whole trailering thing has given me so much freedom with my horse and has been a total lifesaver for me. I'm not sure what happens after I lose the truck and trailer, which is probably why there's a bit of desperation to my riding right now.

Luke and I took a different trail again. We rode through meadows.

And we rode through woods.

We rode by the Rum River.

And we rode by flowers. 

Luke gave the purple flowers the sideways, stink-eye. Not sure what that was about.

I was feeling adventurous and decided to follow a small path through the woods to see where it went.

And found this swampy area that I'd never seen before. 

As I rode all over the park, I was thinking, "This is so fun! I can go anywhere on my horse! I love this!" 

Well, maybe I can't go anywhere on my horse, but we were exploring all over the place, and Luke was so cooperative. He has certainly surprised me. 

He didn't even poop in the trailer today! Which means he's getting more relaxed about riding in the trailer too.

After a couple hours of riding, we headed back.

By the time we got to the trailer, I saw that four other trailers had arrived. For such a small park, it's funny how we never ran into any other horses.

I took Luke back home, ate lunch, then took Java to the same park and walked around with her for 90 minutes. We saw a couple kayakers going down the river. 

Yes, you can do it all in the Rum River park! If only I could park a double-wide in the parking lot, set up a couple corrals, and live there!

It's been a nice weekend -- too nice actually. Where is that rain they said we were supposed to get today?! It's pretty windy out and the dusty conditions are apparent. I think I'll go out and do my rain dance.

I hope you all had a good weekend too!

Simply Saturday

I took Luke to the park this morning. This time it's Luke that has the happy feet. I'm not sure why I went with the lime green wraps. I think it was another one of those color purchases where I was thinking about being visible to hunters and not being mistaken for a deer.

I put the wraps on to protect Luke's legs in the trailer, since he gets a little fidgety in there. Good thing I did because by the time we got to the park, one of the wraps was turned completely around. That means he was rubbing up against something and could have ended up with another cut if they hadn't been on.

Another lone rider showed up at the park while I was tacking Luke up. His horse looked fairly young. Turned out to be five years old and going on his first solo trail ride. Bummer. I was hoping to ride with this guy but couldn't screw up his training plan.

Luke started out pretty jumpy. It was kind of cool out and windy, which leads to extra energy. I was going to bring my camera along but seeing Luke's demeanor, I left the camera in the truck. 

Luke and I explored some new trails. He actually settled down pretty quickly after we got going, although he got a little jumpy when we went through a portion of the trail that looked like a wash and had walls of dirt rising on both sides. He was probably looking for mountain lions to jump down on him, even though we don't have any such thing around here.

Then we lost the horse trail and ended up riding alongside the paved road back to the trailer. It was a good ride. I felt a lot more relaxed and peaceful after the ride than I've been feeling for awhile.

Lynn and I went to a couple consignment shops looking for clothes. None of my pants or belts fit so well anymore so that's mainly what I was looking for. Unfortunately, there weren't very many pants available in small sizes and no belts that I liked. But I did find two tops and one pair of beige pants for the price of what you'd normally spend on just one of them. Score!

On the way to the consignment shops, Lynn and I saw this guy dancing wildly on the street corner, trying to draw people into Great Clips for a haircut. Unfortunately, I didn't get a good shot of his jive jumping. Looks like he jumped right out of his shoes...

Finished off the day with a little Java playtime. Java prefers logs to sticks. That-a-girl...

I'm Not Okay - Take It Back!

It's been a few days since I posted. Not that I haven't written tons and tons, but thank God I have demonstrated some degree of self control and not publicized my sad, grieving, horrifying thoughts. 

A word of advice, when you lose your love, do not read poetry like this:

The Summer We Almost Split

by Marge Piercy

If one night in July one phone call 

had never happened, we would now be living 

in different houses, the summer I

patented the M. Piercy Total Weight Loss

Through Total Relationship Loss Diet.

It happens to other women, not to me,

the small lies that rot in the bottom

of the basket, the small omissions that rust

through, the slow weight of withdrawal like a change

in the climate that turns farmland to desert.

It happens to other women, not to me,

the solid kitchen plank that breaks suddenly

under your feet and you are falling,

hurtling headfirst in the dark

to wake with a broken hip.

It happens to other women, not to me,

the empty bed, sheets crumpled like a discarded 

cigarette pack, the empty man whose love

has gone all at once, empty as

a refrigerator standing in a field.

Well, we came back, didn't we, crawling

and clawing. We came to this place 

under a hard clear light and this new

understanding I turn and turn in my hand

like a crystal prism.

For years you have come and gone, loving

and pulling out, taking and running, and now

you claim to have moved in and say you fear

I will leave if I read the fine print

of the quibbling years hidden by your brows.

You think love is a problem you will solve,

a mortgage you will finally pay off. It is you

 I have been loving so long and I know where you

have been and how. While you've driven armored

in fantasies, I've walked and slept naked at your side.

I love the way Piercy writes poetry. Okay, so the whole coming back thing doesn't apply, but I do have a new understanding that I turn and turn in my hand. And I do feel naked next to his armor, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I tell myself, “Self, repeat after me. You are not losing EVERYTHING. There are huge changes happening, but not EVERYTHING changes. Stop using the word 'EVERYTHING'! Or the word 'NOTHING', as in 'I have NOTHING.' Or 'NO ONE', as in 'I have NO ONE.' Just stop it!"

Sometimes you will see me saying things like that out loud. Just pass by as if you did not notice. I will be fine. Or as H and others tell me, "You'll be okay."

Damn it! I don't want to be okay! I want to be Fabulous! Super Duper! Extraordinary! Sensational! 

"Okay" means I merely survived this! I don't want to be a survivor! That's what I was in my last marriage to C. It was abusive, suffice to say. And I was in complete victim mode. Worse than the physical stuff is what he did to my mind. 

I survived that. I ended up okay. But I want more than okay. I want to flourish! 

But most of all, I want to inspire people, with my wonderful taste in shoes! Check out these happy feet!

Yes, that was an abrupt transition. But people! I just want to make you smile! That would make me feel so much better!

Smile! Laugh! Please do it for me!

p.s. For an idea of what should happen in a relationship if it seems like two people are drifting apart, read Sue's post. She is way smarter than me...

Cabin Fever

My cousin A stopped at my house on Memorial Day to check out how our remodeling turned out. "It's beautiful!" she exclaimed. "Yes, thank you, it certainly is," was my response. The countertops are called Yellow River -- so flowy and pretty. Heavy sigh...

After oohing and ahhhing over the house, we drove out to A's family's cabin, which isn't too far from where I live. 

A's Mom (my Aunt), A's four kids and their friends, plus A's brother and his wife and daughter and her friends, were all there. A's sons cooked some hot dogs and tasty seasoned chicken on the grill. Plus we had corn on the cob, baked beans, a couple different kinds of salads, bread, and watermelon. It was fun seeing everybody and being at the old cabin, where A and I spent a lot of time as kids. We were the bestest friends all through our childhood. 

The cabiney, lakey smell carries so many memories of early morning fishing on a glass-surfaced lake, feet fights on damp, musty blankets, and water ballet dances to songs A and I made up "Let me show you the waves of the sea, waves of the deep blue sea, La La La La..."

Here, we're all gathered inside because it was soooo windy outside! 

And here's A's Mom duking it out with her granddaughter. It'd be maybe a little more believable if Aunty wasn't smiling so big. M is certainly looking frightened.

A and I also visited with the people in the cabin next door. Mr. R and his daughter have been busy remodeling their cabin. It's been kind of a fun project for them, working on it together. They managed to find nice oak kitchen cabinets for free on Craig's list. Very cool. I wish I could have done something like that with my Dad.

An old friend, J,  from a couple cabins over stopped over as soon as the food came off the grill. Good timing. J recently went to Mexico, where he met a salsa, hip hop dancer? Something like that. Anyway he learned some dance moves, worked on his Spanish, went snorkeling and kind of immersed himself in Mexicana. Now he's doing some kind of salsa-aerobics class at the Y. Sounds interesting. I may have to take him up on some lessons.

The sun did manage to peep out before A and I left, but the wind was still strong. We sat on the dock for a little bit, holding tight to the bench, lest we blow away. 

So funny watching the young girls hang out and remember how A and I used to be. There was the old flooding the boat motor trick we used to pull when a boat with cute boys went by so they'd come rescue us. There was also the time when I was trying to be all sexy walking down the dock, waving goodbye to said boys. Wasn't watching where I was going and walked off the side of the dock into the water. Very graceful...

Ah, yes, those were the days. You couldn't pay me to go through them again!

Our family has a long history of spending summer vacations at the lake, first at rented cabins, then at A's family's cabin.

Even before A and I were born, our crazy parents were hanging out at the beach. This is my Dad, Mom, and A's Mom (the boxer in previous photo). Check out those legs! Very movie starish!

This is A's brother, me, and my brother. I guess my brother and I were hat people, his a captain's hat and mine what I think they call a Paddy hat. It also appears that we were the ones who were forced to wear life jackets. Geeze!

This is A and her brother. Cool bumper shoes on A!

This photo was actually taken at the cabin we were at on Memorial Day. That's A's Dad and another cousin in the boat. I'm pretty sure that's A and I swimming around the polka dotted raft. The dock was polka dotted for awhile too. With my bad eyesight, those polka dots were about the only thing that told me where to drop off when we went waterskiing.

Yup, we've had some crazy times at the cabin.

And we've had some sweet times.

I remember my summers there as being the best part of my childhood. Too bad the old tricks with the boys probably won't work for me now. Another heavy sigh...

An Apology

While walking with Java, I started to think about my last post and felt overwhelmingly awful about it. Here I am complaining about my money worries when so many people have lost their jobs or kept their jobs but taken pay cuts or had to take time off without pay, people without 401Ks or pensions, without health insurance, maybe can't pay their bills and are afraid of losing their homes. I have nothing to complain about in comparison.

I fortunately have a good job with good benefits and good health to boot. Shame on me for worrying and complaining.

So I just wanted to apologize to you guys, because I know some of you are really struggling. 

It was very inconsiderate of me not to keep that in mind.

Choices: Whether I Want Them or Not

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." 

-- Helen Keller

I started to get down in the dumps again today as I tried to do some housing research. Trying to figure out what my future options are. I think I'll have to rent for awhile when I eventually move from here - rent a home, a storage unit, and a place to board my horse(s). Did I forget anything?

But where? Near where I'm at now -- more countryish? And closer to horse boarding? And where I can hear the music of frogs, crickets, birds, and coyotes? Or closer to where I work so I can let Java outside during the day? And where I can listen to the music of busses, people yelling, and sirens? Hmmmm...

Maybe I should have people vote. Or at least tell me, how do you make huge decisions like this? Some sort of instinct? A list of pros and cons? Pray? I'm pretty much doing all of these and there is no sense of direction yet.

Java and I went for a walk at Elm Creek park this afternooon. There are bike trails, horse trails, dog walking trails, hiking trails, snowshoeing, skijoring, and skiing trails there. Would be perfect to live near such a park, don't you think? 

No. They have so many restrictions on dog walking -- certain length leash, dogs allowed only on paved trails that you end up sharing with a lot of bikes, and the trails weren't very pretty and no water. Plus, I didn't see any rental housing around there, only farms and suburbia houses. 

I then searched on line for rental housing and couldn't find anything that allows a cat and a dog over 20 lbs. It would also help to have something with a fenced in yard so I don't have to do a leash run all the time. And something I can afford - that's probably a huge decider. Oh, yeah, and my puppy needs a pool! Okay, so I probably won't get that last one. Maybe a kiddy pool?

I managed to somewhat pull myself around to believing that I can be happy anywhere. All I need is a decent place to keep a big, active dog. I probably won't be home much anyway. Just a place to sleep and eat. The rest of the time I'll be at work or riding my horse or exercising the dog. Right?

I feel like we adopted Java under false pretenses. She was supposed to live where she had room to run. The people that visited our house to approve the adoption were so excited about leaving her with us. These are the kind of things I end up worrying about and feeling guilty about.

Hopefully, I can teach myself and Java how to skijor so she can run off some steam doing that. But I've discovered the equipment for that is expensive too. Maybe someone out there has a suggestion how to skijor on the cheap? Maybe if Java can learn agility and there's a course somewhere that the public can use? Suggestions? Ideas?

It was another absolutely gorgeous day today. Unfortunately, I was too tired and cranky to enjoy it much. I woke up at 5:30 AM with the worst bloody nose I've ever had in my life! I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital the way I was losing blood. Freaky...

Waking up at 5:30 or earlier isn't that unusual for me, but going to bed at midnight is and that's what I've been doing lately. Must make wiser choices...

After our walk, I went to Fleet Farm and bought a training collar for Java. I'm tired of being the crazy neighbor, screaming at my dog to "Come!" I hated to spend the money, but Java keeps ignoring me more and more each day. She needs a wake up call. The thing is charging up right now. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and put it on Java! (Trying hard to refrain from cackling.) I'll let you know how it goes.

I also got a bracket to hang a new bird feeder off the deck. I didn't like the bird feeders that were at the store. They were too big, too small, not a big enough slot to let seed through. too easy for a squirrel to destroy, etc. I finally bought a small, cheap bird feeder just to test out whether the bracket will work or not. No use spending a lot on a feeder if the bracket isn't raccoon proof.

Geeze! I just realized that I'm sounding a lot like all I do is sit around and worry about money. Well, kind of. It'd be different if I was younger and had a long time to make up the loss on my 401K and had a long time to be working period. God says not to worry about these things, but I don't think that means we should be stupid about our finances. I just want to make wise choices.

On an up note, I found three agates today, which is totally amazing as I haven't been finding any agates in the rocks around the house lately. I figure my big score is a sure sign that good things are coming into my life.

Okay, so I'm reading a lot into a few rocks, but can you blame a girl?

Bird Feeder Mystery

When I let Java out last night, I saw something big jump off our bird feeder. I was thinking that either it was the biggest squirrel I'd ever seen or it wasn't a squirrel. I ran up the steps to the deck with H's super-duper bright flashlight and found a raccoon on the deck.

This explains what has happened to our birdfeeder. I had been thinking that we had some really strong squirrels. But no, that wasn't it.

What a mess!

So now the birdfeeder is shot and I just bought a bunch of birdseed. I like having the birdfeeder on the deck because you can see the birds really well through our windows. And we've had some really beautiful yellow finches, bluebirds, cardinals, and what I think is a rose-breasted grosbeak. 

I'm not sure what to do with the birdseed now. There aren't a whole lot of choices of where to put a birdfeeder and still have it visible from the window. Another life challenge...

I didn't get to the kayak demo I was planning on going to today. I looked up how far away the lake was and it's 40 miles away or 80 miles round trip. I had so many other things I needed to get done so I decided maybe I'd go next time. They have another kayak demo on June 6th.

Instead, I took Luke trail riding again. I had a hard time getting him to go far enough forward to close the divider in the trailer. Once again, he didn't ride very well on the way to the park and ended up with a couple scrapes, one on his hip and another down by his right front hoof. Nothing serious but I had to clean the scrapes up and put some salve on them when I got home to keep the flies away. I may need to put wraps on his lower legs next time to make sure that doesn't happen again.

There were a couple other horse trailers at the park but I didn't see the riders at all. It's not a very big park, so that's kind of surprising.

I did manage to take a few photos while riding. Luke was very well behaved.

I'd like to try going to a bigger park but I'm going to have to look up the rules. Some parks require that you have a trail pass that you keep on your saddle, plus a sticker to park your trailer.

After I got home and put Luke back out with Murphy, I moved some of the outdoor furniture out of the barn and washed it off. After all that hard work, I had to sit on the furniture and cool off with a beer. I really like Goose Island Nut Brown Ale.

Java kept herself busy by running in and out of the pool. 

The water gets her revved up and she had to run through the long grass to work off some energy. Kind of helps her dry off a little too.

It was another beautiful day weather-wise. And should be decent tomorrow too, which should mean more trail riding. Gosh, I love summertime!

That's Life

"That's life, that's what all the people say.

You're riding high in April,

Shot down in May

But I know I'm gonna change that tune,

When I'm back on top, back on top in June."

While taking Java for a walk, I saw an elderly woman standing at her trailer with her horse. I was wondering if there was a problem, but with Java in tow, I didn't know how I could help her. 

Driving out of the park with Java, I saw the woman was still standing at her trailer with a phone held to her ear, so I turned around and parked by her truck. I left Java in the car and asked her if she needed help. 

She said "I sure do. I'm trying to get ahold of my daughter but she's not answering. The mare's an experienced loader. I don't know what's wrong. I'm pretty new to this so it's probably me."

I told her I had two horses so I could help. I'd just get behind the horse and keep her straight and encourage her forward. After a little resistance, the mare walked right on. The woman was very thankful.

I was sure glad I turned around and went back to help her. It's good for the soul when you can be a help to someone. 

There's been lots of "stuff" going on in my life -- all of my life. Every time I thought I'd made it through another crisis and could start to enjoy life again, another problem hit. And now there's the divorce. A person could certainly get discouraged.

But I think I have it figured out now. It's simple really. Forget waiting for the crisis to be over before you enjoy life, because there's always something else around the corner and if I wait for clear sailing, I'm never going to have any fun. Instead, count all the things that are going right and enjoy the hell out of them!

It was a beautiful day today. Traffic was light (everyone must have already gone out of town). My brother William called and we talked about his part on "Lost" and about me coming to visit him in Maui next year sometime. Java and I took a walk. I helped a lady load her horse - maybe I'll see her again and we can ride together. Lynn and I didn't make it to a movie but instead hung out at Caribou talking and blogging. I went all out and had myself a Mocha. 

Just appreciating the little things. Life is good...

Just a Walk in the Park

Solo Trail Ride

Squeeking of leather

Calling of birds

Riding in the woods

It's too purty for words.

Just me and my horse

Ambling along.

It's such a wonderful feeling

Wanna break out in song.

I found a melody

In the beating of hooves

As my troubles drift off

And over tree roofs.

- Mary Olson -

Last Tuesday, I made another horse trailer run to the park, only with Luke this time. He was a little more nervous than Murphy had been and had worked himself into quite a sweat just riding (or should say just rocking) in the trailer. 

Luke started out on the trails in high alert mode, but calmed down enough that I completely let out the reins after awhile -- although, always prepared to quickly draw them back in. 

It was pretty warm on Tuesday, but not as warm as Wednesday, when it hit 93. I took Java for a walk in that heat and my face felt like it was on fire. I wish I could just walk into the river to cool off like Java does...

This evening, a friend and I went to dinner at the "Bulldog", a great place for burgers and beer.

Tomorrow night, I hope to hit a movie with Lynn. But right now, I need to get to bed. I'm plumb tuckered out.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Chalk Another One Up For Mary

Murphy at Rum River Park

Just a brief word, because I am so totally proud of myself! I drove the horse trailer with Murphy in it to the park and went riding for about an hour -- all by myself! 

I was nervous as all get out, but I didn't allow myself to think for very long about it -- just went ahead and changed clothes after work, prepped the trailer, loaded Murphy, and went.

Murphy is so much more energetic on the trails than he is riding around in the ring at home. There are a number of steep, sandy hills in the park and Murphy thinks it's easier to run as fast as he can up them. He's so comfortable to ride, he has me thinking twice about selling him. 

I'll have to try the same thing with Luke next and see if I can manage him on the trails by myself. He tends to spook a whole lot more than Murphy. He can also run a whole lot faster than Murphy so it's more work to keep Luke under control.

In case you are wondering, the orange halter in the photo is something I bought to keep on Murphy during deer hunting season when we're in the woods. I've run into deer hunters before and it's a little scary, even if you do wear orange.

Whirling and Water Weekend

On Saturday, Lynn and I went to Art-A-Whirl, a yearly event where artists of all kinds open their studios to the public and sell their goods. Lynn knows a couple of the artists that were participating and I've just always wanted to go and see what it's all about. There was a pretty good crowd at the Northrup King Building.

First we visited Christina Hankins studio. I love her paintings. The colors are so vibrant! Looking at her art simply makes you feel good. 

The artist I was most interested in seeing was Sarah Anderson because she does pet portraits, mostly dogs. I really liked this one of a German Shephard.

I asked Sarah if she does any drawing classes. She doesn't but I can e-mail and set up a time to meet in her studio and draw together and she'll give me some tips. Cool!

Lynn and I entered a contest at the Northrup King building to win a scooter. I love the green. It goes well with my eyes...

Lynn and I found a place selling some incredibly fun hats. I liked the cat hat.

While Lynn went with a chicken.

We couldn't stay long at Art-A-Whirl because I had a hair appointment to get to. This may seem like very bad timing on my part, but the appointment was actually supposed to be on Friday night. When I arrived on Friday, they couldn't find my appointment on the computer. I mean nothing, no appointments at all in my name. I know I've been confused lately, but not that confused. So they set up another appointment for me on Saturday.

Because they'd made the mistake, I ended up with a free haircut and free deep conditioner. The only thing I had to spend money on was the highlights. I've been coloring my hair myself and not getting haircuts because I've been so worried about money when they were laying off people at work and after we spent so much money on remodeling our first floor. Well, I needed a mood lifter. It doesn't make me look 10 years younger like I'd hope, but it's an improvement.

Today I went kayaking with Sue and Pam. We started out in a lake and then went down a small river and back again. I had some issues with paddling -- kept hitting my thumb on a screw, but eventually I think my technique got better. My shoulders ached while I was paddling but everything feels okay now. I'm sure I would get the flow down eventually.

It was a beautiful day and so much fun being out on the water. Peaceful. I hope I get to do it again soon. I'd really love to go out next weekend and buy a kayak and a rack for my car to carry it. But I suppose this isn't the best time to spend money or to have one more thing to move. But then again, I need to do stuff, lots of stuff, so I don't have time to think. Thinking bad -- very bad. Sun, water, fresh air good.