An Ode to Endings and Beginnings

"When written in Chinese the word "crisis" is composed of two characters - one represents danger and the other represents opportunity."  -- John F. Kennedy

The reality of what my life has become and what it yet will be is a combination of pain and promise.


At this time of year, when everyone is busy with family and my own family is busy with family, and the snow has trapped me in the house, I have had a lot of time to sit and wonder how it's all going to turn out. 

Strangely enough, given how I've beat myself up wondering why my husband stopped loving me, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do right now.


I'm not perfect by any means, and I'm always working on things about myself I'm not happy with, like my shyness, but as one of my friends put it, "You're a good egg... You wouldn't have all the good, smart, strong women behind you in your corner if you were some shmoe loser."


Regardless of what H has done, he was my husband and I loved him. Recent years have been harsh but prior to whatever took over, there were many good and happy times. I've only recently begun to allow myself to see the bad stuff that I so often made excuses for, but still, I won't forget the good.


But I'm cleaning house because I need to make room for other people in my life. So rather than dwell on thoughts of H:


I think about the faces of those who have stood by me, propped me up, and cheered me on when I've felt lost and completely void of hope. Some people I only know by their blog names, but they, as well, have been a huge help in getting me through 2009.


And I think about how in the past year I've headed outside on foot, horseback, snowshoes, or skis when I felt like I was stuck and didn't know what to do next or I felt the silence and the lack of a life partner pushing me into a dark hole. But more and more, I do these things because they are fun and they make me happy.

I have Java to provide laughter in my life, to help me feel needed, and good or bad, she's my cuddle buddy for the time being.

Luke challenged my skills in 2009 and helped me feel brave and strong. We explored new places, saw beautiful scenes, and Luke ran with me on his back until my heavy spirit finally broke loose and I felt light again. Plus there was the whole sharing of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which is a bonding experience in itself.

I can't believe 2009 is drawing to an end -- but it is not the year everything ended as I believed at first.


In less than a week, it will be 2010, and if a judge gives the nod, I will officially be Maery Rose and I will be single again.


There will be all sorts of things to switch over to my new name, I'll need to get health and auto insurance, and I suppose there are other things to take care of but I don't know what.


Technicalities. 


The name change will be a reminder to me that it's not Maery Falling-on-her-face, or Maery Stuck-in-a-pit, or even Maery Rising. 


Maery Rose -- she is already on her feet and on the move.

Did Someone Say Snow Plow Service?

"That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not."  -- James K. Feibleman



I'm watching a movie "Home for Christmas" about a woman that's living the good life until her husband decides to boot her to the curb and get engaged to a younger woman and the ex-wife ends up jobless, without health insurance, homeless and living in her car. Gotta love these Christmas specials. So heartwarming...


Ya know that snow I wanted? Well, we're getting it and then some.

I spent a couple hours hand shoveling the steps, a path to the bird feeder, and then plowing the driveway with the tractor. My shoulders are toast. The constant lever manipulation of the tractor bucket torqued my one good shoulder. And as the day wore on with opening and closing doors blocked by snow and ice, carrying water buckets, and unloading feed, I am sitting here with a heating pad, egg nog and brandy, and a bottle of ibuprofin. 


I'll be lookin' for a plowing service. But I'll probably still have to repeat the whole snow removal process all over again tomorrow since we're supposed to get 4-6" tonight and 4-8" tomorrow. It's questionable whether I'll make it to my cousin's for Christmas. We'll see.


Java is lovin' the snow. It energizes her (like she needed more energy).

Java's so cute with Luke.

Java is constantly burying her face in the snow and sniffing. When she comes up for air, she looks like this.

She has a bit of a snowball issue on her legs and feet.

I tried skiing around the pasture. I climbed to the top of a hill and thought I'd glide down it but with my legs buried up to my knees in snow, I stopped moving after a couple inches. I had to keep lifting my skis up to dump the snow off.


I decided skiing wasn't going so well but snowshoes were made for this stuff! And perhaps I could pack down an area to ski.

I walked the fence line, hoping it would be okay so I could let the horses out tomorrow and they could blow off some steam in the snow. They love to run in the powder as much as Java does. But I found this tree had fallen on top of a section. I may be Wonder Woman, but I'm not lifting that thing.

It started to get dark so no more skiing until tomorrow when the nice path I made will probably be covered up again.

Maery, You Are So Funny!

Ya know, lately, I have a lot of people laugh at something I've said and after they're done laughing they'll say, "Maery, you are so funny!" It's a little disconcerting when my comment was actually made in all seriousness.


But the latest person to say "you're so funny" to me was the woman cutting my hair when we decided to keep it a little longer and I said, "Yeah, that sounds good. My ears will stay warmer."


She thought this was hysterical. I guess when she suggested a change in style she was thinking it will be "cute", "fashionable". She even mussed my hair and gave me that "I just got out of bed look" that she told me was so in right now. 


But isn't that it in a nutshell, I'm so darn practical. Does being practical equal not being any fun? I don't think so. I think I am a complete blast!


I mean, look at this. Java and I are all rigged up for skijoring only I'm on foot; no skis for our warmup. Java is completely relaxed and waiting for the "Hike!" command.

She kind of has a tendency to start out by jumping into the air and sometimes doing a full twist in the process.

Followed by nose to the ground sniffing.

We have a great deal of work to do on-foot before she is any good pulling me on skis. I did hook her up and skied for awhile but the skis seemed to throw her off. She kept wanting to look behind her and then would get tangled in the line.


At one point, she saw one of her toys a few yards away and took off full bore, throwing me onto my butt. She did run back and lick my face apologetically. I was laughing too hard to be upset. Thank goodness for soft snow!

The funny thing about the cross country skis is that the technique is completely different than downhill but everything feels so familiar. I don't think I have the kick-glide motion down but it still feels like it was just yesterday, and not 25 years ago that I went skiing. The muscle memory is so there, which makes it totally fun! I feel like a teenager again! Okay, an achy teenager, but totally hip and energized none-the-less.

I skied down a hill and remembered how to snowplow. I climbed back up the hill. I even skated on the skis although I hit a patch of dirt and fell again. More Java licking, even though she was not the cause and wasn't even hooked up to me anymore. 


After skiing, Java challenged Luke to a soccer match. Murphy is completely ignoring the situation. He's not much into sports.

Java even let Luke have the ball. Luke just looked confused.

They had a discussion. Check out Luke's lips. I swear he was talking while Java attentively listened.

Then Java grabbed the ball and took off, tired of waiting for some action. 

I've been having so much fun getting outside and being active. It's a big part of how I've been able to take the events of the past year. So to help out my injured, aching body, I drink this stuff - a little Barley Life to get my daily requirements of fruit and vegetables, RevitalX to help with my irritated stomach, and tart cherry concentrate with stuff to promote healthy joints, regulate sleep and inflammation, and a banana to help it taste better. 

Doesn't that look yummy! I can hear you now, "Oh, Maery, you are so funny!"


I'm hoping you all have something a little more scrumptious planned for Christmas! 


Happy Holidays!

Please, Let It Snow!

I have cross country skis!


Well, first off, I have to confess that I unexpectedly took today off. I was going to go to work really early this morning because I had a hair cut appointment this afternoon but I knew I had too many things on my mind to be productive at work, whereas I knew I could get some therapeutic things done at home.


I had some really brown bananas laying round so I made banana oatmeal muffins. They were a low fat recipe until I threw in some dark chocolate chips that I had left over from cookies. Hey, dark chocolate is a total anti-oxidant and accompanied by oatmeal and bananas, those muffins are so darn good for you!

Then I washed some towels. I have read that you can dry stuff outside all year but I don't think things dry so well when it's cold. However, I am trying to save on gas and electricity because I would rather save my money to buy skis and kayaks. So my bathroom looks like this quite often.

I saw this cool some-kind-of woodpecker at the bird feeder. I was shooting through the kitchen window so the photo is not as sharp as I wish it was. I think he was more after pecking the wood feeder and railing than the bird seed.

Java was busy entertaining herself. Note that the ball that was on the tug toy is no longer there. She destroyed that thing in one day so I pulled the ball off and threw it in the trash.

I had to go to the feed store for horse feed.

Then to Fleet Farm for long thermal underwear, hand warmers, wool socks, and a sliding snow tube. 

I know the little kid on the Snow Dasher looks like she barely fits on the think but I was assured it was really adult size. We'll see. Anyway, I think I am totally ready for an upcoming sliding party. Yee! Haw!

Then I got my hair trimmed and beautiful for Christmas and New Years Eve.


Then for the finale -- drum roll please -- I got my cross country ski package. I went with the classic skis and got the stiffest boot I could find, which was a Salomon, to help with any sudden turns Java might try to take. I already skied around the house in the dark with Java running loose with me. I don't know what they are talking about that you have to have a groomed trail. Although maybe to get some smooth gliding you do. I don't have the rhythm down yet but it was a blast!


As for Java's skijoring training, last Sunday, I took her to the park to get her used to the feel of the harness and line and myself used to the feel of the tugging on the belt. I did some snow jogging behind Java to get her to move. She did a lot better than I expected, actually pulling quite a bit, but I did have to yell "On By!" a lot when she kept wanting to stop and sniff paw prints and trees. She's got a basic understanding of the "whoa" (stop), "line out" (stand with line tight) and "hike" (go) commands. 


I can't wait to put it all together! Being coordinated enough to take any photos might take awhile -- maybe some non-moving ones.


p.s I turned on the new Blogger editor and when I publish I get this quirky spacing. It doesn't look that way when composing so I don't get how to fix it. Anyone? Also, because of spam, I've had to turn on the "type the scrambled word" thing, which I had turned off because some people couldn't post with it on. Let me know if you run into problems.

Conflicting Emotions

Crazy, busy day. I'm never ready for Christmas and this year is no different.

I wrote my Christmas cards last night and wrapped a present for my son, so the key thing to get done today was make a trip to the post office. I was dreading that, knowing how busy it would be. So I tried to go early, but I needed to bake some bread and wash sheets and hang the sheets out on the line (it was up to 22 degrees today, surely they would dry).

I found a parking space at the post office so that was a good sign. The line was long but everyone was full of Christmas cheer, except maybe the postal workers. But we all stood in line and watched people get their photos taken for passports, including one little baby that couldn't even stand yet; and found out where people were traveling to, warm places of course; and who it was that lived out of town that people were sending packages to; and we all agreed that every year we say we're not going to wait until the last minute but we always do. Everyone was so friendly we were practically on hugging terms by the time I left.

I ran to a couple different stores for a few grocery items (good thing about winter is you can get groceries and not worry about getting them home right away) and to try to find pants that fit me. It took three stores to find one pair of jeans and a pair of brown corduroys. I'm not sure why I'm so hard to fit. I have to hunt through many brands of size 4's (a size they don't seem to carry a lot of anyway) before I find one that's long enough and doesn't have a waist that's too big.

I visited three stores looking for cross country skis. I've been getting conflicting advice about what's needed for skijoring. First I was told I should go with the classic style ski. Then I was told I MUST use the skating style but they didn't have any boots my size and don't expect to get any more in because the manufacturers are way behind in production. Huh?

From what I read, I can use either style, it just depends on my preference and how fast I want to go. Since my skiing experience has been downhill and I've done a lot of ice skating, the skating style would probably be more familiar to me. But they are more expensive, harder to find, and I think there are more limitations as far as what trails you can go on. So I'm somewhat confused at the moment.

Because Java was with me through all these errands, laying patiently on her doggy bed in the back of the Mini, we had to make a stop at PetSmart so she could go nuts over the dogs and people and toys and bones. It was like having a little kid in Toys R Us! She managed to talk me into buying her a bone and a tug toy, since her old tug toy is pretty chewed up. However, the ball on this one is already falling apart.

Something has been kind of weird lately. It doesn't make any sense and makes even less sense when I try to explain it to someone. At the same time that I've been feeling so sad and frightened, I've also felt happy and excited. How can that be?

I just know that I'm enjoying myself more. I've become quite a talker - cashiers, other customers, just about anyone that makes eye contact. Not because I'm desperate to talk to another living being, like you might be thinking, but just because I want to share a smile, compliment the lady in front of me on her Christmas pin, or show the poor cashier a little sympathy for the difficult customer he just had to handle.

Last week I watched a bunch of little kids and some rather big, elderly kids get their photos taken with Santa and got a good laugh out of it. Things have slowed down. I notice more and enjoy what I notice.

I expect I have things that are coming up that are going to hurt like hell. Some of it is confusing and intimidating, and at times I see myself dangling from a cliff while someone stands above me stomping on my fingers. Still, as much as I would prefer to not be getting divorced, there are things that have happened since H left that would have never happened if we were still together - driving the horse trailer, trail riding every weekend, meeting new friends, deepening my existing friendships, reacquainting myself with my cousin, getting a good start on writing a book (which I will finish, by the way), finding a new church and joining the choir, and getting into this whole cross country skiing and skijoring thing. And I have so much more planned for next year.

Some people might say I'm getting stronger, but I think it's more that I don't feel alone anymore. I've got so much love and support in my life right now. I guess I feel a lot braver and optimistic because of that.

Two More Bottles of Wine

I had mediation with my husband and our attorneys yesterday. Nothing unexpected, well, maybe a little unexpected.

It's hard to be the person from the marriage who is still so emotional about it. Who is still hurting. It's hard to see 10 years of your life suddenly turn into a bunch of numbers. To have the calculators clicking and the figures thrown out there like it was just nothing but property and accounts. To have his attorney repeatedly say with exasperation, "We just want to get this over with."

Over with? I'm not sure when this will be "over with" for me.

I need to stop looking for the man I married, just searching for a final glimpse. I'm not sure why I do this. I can't find him. He only exists in my memories and even those need to be put away, at least for now.

I know that's how divorce is, but that doesn't make it any easier to see your love, your time, your commitment, everything you put into that relationship, all your hopes and dreams turned into numbers on a piece of paper.

Another point in the mediation that really got to me because my emotions got mixed in with it was my old house. I bought that house before I met him, when I was a single Mom. I'd lived with my own Mom for about 7 years before I had enough money to put towards that house. It meant so much to me to do that on my own. Yet in divorce, it turned into everything he put into it during the two years we lived there after our marriage. God, that hurt. A lot. But I guess I have a chance to do the house on my own again now. Hopefully, it will be a joyous experience like it was back then.

I left mediation in a daze, spent 30 minutes walking around in freezing temperatures because I couldn't find the parking ramp I was in, and on my drive home suddenly looked around and panicked because I didn't recognize the road I was on.

I was actually almost home, it's just that nothing looked familiar. I guess it's a brain reaction to feeling like I don't know where I am, who I am, or where I'm going.

I used to sing and play piano to this old Emmylou Harris song many moons ago. It was one of my favorites to perform because of the piano solo and the gutsy voice you can put into it. It has new meaning for me now.

"The way he left sure turned my head around. Seemed like overnight he just up and put me down. Ain't gonna let it bother me today. I been workin' and I'm too tired anyway. But it's all right..."

Or it will be, even without the wine.

Cookies!

Today was the big day. Cousin A was coming to my house to whip up some Christmas cookies. Well, neither of us are exactly experienced Christmas cookie queens so we had a few "live and learn" moments but they all ended up tasting good and that's what matters. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Rather than buy my ingredients well ahead of time like smart, well-organized people do, I got side-tracked with the looking at skis, kayaks, sleeping bags, and so on at Midwest Mountaineering so I had to run to the grocery store this morning.

But first I had to feed the horses and fill the water tank. And as long as I had my outdoor gear on, I hauled saddles and bridles in from the horse trailer to the mud room in the basement where I'll clean them and keep them inside for the winter as the cold dry air does bad things to the leather.

Then I had to admire the sunrise.

And I baked a couple loafs of bread, one to give to cousin A.

At 8:00 I ran to the grocery store. Got things set up in the kitchen. Then went to church.

When I got home, Java wanted to know when A was going to arrive. She was tired of waiting.

She kept looking longingly out the window.

When my cousin did arrive, Java kept shoving her ball into cousin A's leg, trying to get her to play catch. She (Java not A) finally plopped down, right in front of the stove.

I got an angel cookie cutter and a pony puzzle from my cousin. I've already used the cookie cutter of course. Can't wait to work on the puzzle. It's for ages five and above so I should be able to handle it.

Cousin A did find a krumkake iron so she was rarin to go on those. However, she soon discovered that making these things is a pretty futsy, delicate, slow going process. Oh yeah, and can you tell my house is a bit cold? Hey, I turned the thermostat up to 68 degrees just especially for company!

We had cookies going all over the place.

I was TRYING to thinly roll out the sugar cookie dough but it was sticking like crazy to the plastic cutting board. I also tried rolling it with wax paper both under and on top of the dough but it still seemed to stick. Sprinkled flour wasn't helping either.

So I ended up with some really thick sugar cookies that expanded exponentially so my angel cookie looked pregnant and Santa, well, I know it's a Santa cookie but no one else will guess that. I ate the angel to hide the evidence of any wrongdoing.

Mistakes didn't really matter as the main point of baking cookies was for my cousin and I to spend some time together. I'm surprised we didn't mess up any recipes with all the talking we did while we were measuring and mixing. It was a great way to spend the day!

And aren't they pretty?