House or Home

Maery's Morning
I almost ended up with one less horse this morning. Something frightened Luke and Murphy when they were going out the back of the barn and they turned and ran back in. Luke went in his stall. Murphy went out the front door into the open yard. He crashed around hysterically in the dark with Java chasing him.

I called Java and locked her in the barn after Luke had already ran back out the back door. I tried to let Murphy in through the gate in the fence but the snow wouldn't allow me to open it wide enough. Then I tried to coax Murphy toward me so I could throw a lead line around his neck. He was still too busy being hysterical, and Luke was adding to the entertainment by running the fence line on the inside.

You know you've been at this horse thing for awhile when a scene like this just makes you stand back and wait for the horse to wear itself out. Murphy took off at one point toward the back of our neighbor's place and I was thinking, "Hmmm... one less horse to take care of or try to sell," but he came back. I was getting bored with it and I still had stalls to clean so I got grain, put it on the ground and threw the lead line around Murphy's neck when he stopped to eat. Just another fun-filled morning...

What is Home?
When someone comments about how beautiful the land I live on is or how lucky I am, I'm not quite sure what to say.

Sometimes I feel like I'm frantically trying to get as many photos of the horses and Java where we live now, as my life is now. I want to remember this place, this life. I want to enjoy it as much as possible before it's gone. And then I try not to think about that, but I still do.

The place where I've been skijoring with Java has townhouses nearby, and a few are for sale. The taxes there are terribly high just for the privilege of living near a park and a not so scenic park at that, mainly consisting of dead and scrubby oaks. These are the townhouses.

Row upon row of sameness. And there are rules to ensure you do not ruin their uniformity. It's like something out of "Stepford Wives" only worse. No individuality or creativity allowed here! And there are rules about the breed and weight and number of the dogs you are allowed to have. Can you imagine?! Most townhomes are like this, even the stand alone ones. Yuck!

I've looked at townhomes because of my age and my injuries and people tell me that would be the best thing for me. It would be nice not to have to cut the grass, remove snow, or do external maintenance. But not so nice to not be able to have a garden, a fenced in yard for Java, or even a clothesline. Even if I found a townhouse that was located in reach of an actual pretty park, it couldn't make up for what you can't have or do.

I drive by a lot of places for sale -- townhomes, houses on 1-5 acres, farms, houses in the suburbs, houses in small towns, and houses in cities. I drive by, and I try to imagine myself living there -- going to the nearby grocery store, taking Java for a walk through the neighborhood, playing frisbee with Java in the backyard, sitting inside drinking coffee and looking out the window, sitting at my computer writing my novel, leaving for work, coming home from work, having my friends over, baking bread in the kitchen, etc.

I consider whether the house is close to my friends. Would someone be able to stay and take care of Java while I was in Ireland? How far away are activities and places I like to go to, like the library and artist/writer meetup places? Are there parks nearby that are good places to take a dog? Are there affordable horse boarding facilities close by and trails?

Is the yard fenced in or could it be fenced in? Does the house have hardwood floors or could wood floors be installed? Is the exterior maintenance free? Is there a place to park the horse trailer? Are there an abundance of trees? Is it the sort of place where I'd see wildlife from time to time? Is there a vegetable garden or could there be a vegetable garden? Is there a nice place to sit outside? Is it a safe looking area? Is there a nice view from inside? What kind of people do the neighbors appear to be -- down-to-earth people like me or suburbanite, grass-obsessed, leaf-blowing, my-yard-is-better-than-your-yard, Stepford kind of people?

I can't seriously look for a house yet as I don't know when our house will sell. I'm just trying to imagine it, trying to make myself get used to the idea of living somewhere else. But more than just getting used to the idea of living somewhere else is getting used to the idea of living somewhere else alone and somewhere unfamiliar. Because yes, I'm alone now but it doesn't feel as alone because it's my home. It's familiar. And the horses fill my mornings and evenings and days with things I need to do and things to watch and feel.

Seeing the stark emptiness and stillness of this new imaginary house usually leads me to picturing taking in dogs that need a home (sorry, I just can't imagine taking in a stray human). I start to imagine things like starting up a service of taking in pets for women who need to go into a shelter, to help out until they can get back on their feet. It sounds good in theory but also sounds like too much to take on for a woman that works full time.

Maybe I could work to get the local humane society to partner up with the shelters and do temporary emergency housing. It's not like I brilliantly came up with this idea. A program called PAWS (Pets and Women's Shelters), which was launched by the American Humane organization, already got the ball rolling on this. They have a program to help shelters add this service to their existing program. The two women's shelters in our area, one of which I used to volunteer at, do not help women keep their pets at the shelter or put them in temporary housing, and I think they should.

So how does my mind leap from trying to figure out where I'm going to live to trying to figure out where pets of abused women are going to live?

Well, there is just never a dull moment in my brain. It is constantly searching for what will make a new house a home. And what can make a single life, not be a lonely life.

Snow and More Snow

The affirmation "I am lovable." doesn't mean much if no one loves you. Gotta love Valentine's Day...

Skijoring Update

Java and I went skijoring on Sunday and there were about five other people with dogs there, which may explain why I fell four times, but only twice on my bad shoulder.

Java and I did the entire course in about half the time that it took us to do half the course previously. We were flying! Well, and falling.

We went zooming down a hill, but at the bottom there was a sharp turn to the right. The ski tracks went right, Java went right, I went straight. Then there was the passing dog. I pulled Java and myself off the trail to let the dog and skier go by. When they were well past us, I started to let Java back out again and step back onto the path. Java took off as soon as she felt the line loosen, pulling me forward onto my knees, as my skis were still mired down in the deep snow.

Speaking of snow, I couldn't make it to work today because of a snowstorm, which is still going strong. I took this photo out the sliding glass door.

Java looked outside. Some snow had fallen in when I opened the door.

What do people without dogs do to clean up their messes?

I plowed the driveway and am hoping that there isn't too much more accumulation by morning so I can get out tomorrow. But the snow is supposed to continue until noon on Tuesday.

Java was on the scent of something.

And just plain enjoying the snow.

Must be time for bed now.

Everything I Know, I Learned During Divorce

Hmmm... I've listed my losses, now what about gains? The word "gains" itself doesn't seem quite right. How can divorce bring about anything that could be considered a gain? A list of "Things That Don't Suck" might be more appropriate, but I'm having trouble with that too. Reaching deep for this one.

• I can write as much as I want to now. Plenty of time. Only, I can't seem to get started beyond writing this blog.
• I've taken up cross-country skiing and skijoring. That is a real plus and has been loads of fun.
• I've renewed some friendships and made new friends.
• I can trail ride as much as I want to once the weather permits again.
• I can travel wherever I want to once the house is sold, my horse is boarded somewhere, and I have some money. There do seem to be an awful lot of contingencies on this one.
• I can start dating again and have all that excitement, romance, and variety. Woo! Hoo! Dating is like a box of chocolates, you never know quite what you're getting into until it's too late and you discover you've ended up with a lousy vanilla cream. Sorry, just a little sarcasm there.
• I can get a much smaller house that doesn't take me four hours to clean which translates into about three days because I can't stand spending four straight hours on it. A smaller house also hopefully means I can heat the thing and still have money left over for groceries.

Ummm, gee... Uh, hmmm... There must be more than that. I mean there have been discoveries that have changed me and the way I plan to live my life.

For example,

• I've figured out that there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean, we all have things we want to improve on, but the only thing wrong with me is that I like horses, dogs, and outdoor activities. That's not really WRONG, it's just not everyone's cup of tea.
• I also discovered that when someone treats me badly and becomes an ice cube, I react badly to that. It depletes my energy, makes me withdraw, causes depression, and basically makes me cranky and unpleasant to be around. A better reaction is to find out why I'm being treated like dirt and see if I can get it to stop. 
• I've discovered there's no such thing as "arriving". 

There are destinations and you might get there, like I did with marrying the man of my dreams and buying a hobby farm, but that doesn't mean the bad stuff and the disappointments of life are over. It appears to be a continual cycle of arriving and being stupendously happy, followed by another crisis - a health problem, a death, losing a job, an affair, a divorce, a child in trouble, a rejection and so on - and the resulting fear and pain.

I think I finally get it and don't expect anything to last forever. If it does, great, but I'm learning not to take it personally as some judgement and punishment solely aimed at me when something ends or a new crisis begins. I no longer expect that there is one thing out there that if I have it, I will have arrived and my life will be complete and only filled with good stuff. I'm sure you've heard it before and don't need to read it here too, but it's true -- it's the journey that counts.

And my journey is now aimed at giving, with no expectation of getting anything in return, trying to find my happiness by using whatever there is within me that can comfort, encourage, ease the pain or loneliness, and bring laughter to others. Expecting anything from anyone else has generally brought frustration and sadness. Not that I don't receive good things from people, but I often don't get what I'm hoping for. Concentrating on giving works out better as I usually do get something in return - a laugh, a thank you, a hug, sometimes something as big as a new friend - but without the expectation, it's just a pleasant surprise.

And my goal is to do some outdoor activity with my animals every day possible, because I feel so much better physically and emotionally when I do.

Also, to keep trying new things and learning about the world along the way. I want to go camping, visit places I've never been to before, maybe try agility with Java and learn more about training dogs in general - I'm especially interested in how service animals are trained, go trail riding at parks I've never been to before and take on more challenging rides, hopefully do some horse camping too.

I want to live more simply. Less stuff - more living.

And I want to fill my life with people. I recently took a test on what energizes me, people or tasks. The results of the questionnaire came out as "people". That hasn't always been the case with me. Maybe the change has come about because of my age, or that life experiences have changed what I consider to be important in my life, or that I'm no longer trying to claw my way to some pie-in-the-sky, money-making career. Whatever the reasons, I definitely am no longer a loner.

I still do a lot of things on my own because I'm not going to sit around and wait for someone to come along with me. And I'm still an introvert and do need my alone times to relax and refresh, but I would now rather work as part of team than as an individual, and I would rather spend time with friends or groups focused around one of my interests than all by myself.

So whether these changes in my life and my outlook are gains or simply changes, life is different now and I plan on making the best of it.

This and That

Last night, Lynn and I went to the 2009-2010 Loft Mentor Series Reading. I won a spot in the Loft Mentor program in 2000, the same year I got married. It was a wonderful experience but they've improved the format of the program by leaps and bounds since then. You get to work with six nationally known writers, two fiction, two nonfiction, and two poets, who give you writing assignments to work on and spend one-on-one time with you to develop your work. The participants then do readings and have to answer audience questions towards the end of the program.

Last night, participants Anika Fajardo (nonfiction) and Karlyn Colemand (fiction) read from their work. They were both excellent. One of the fiction mentors, Shannon Olson (far right), read from her books "Welcome to My Planet, Where English is Sometimes Spoken" and "Children of God Go Bowling". Shannon's books are very amusing and she's even funnier in person.

I've wasted so much time with my writing and now it feels like it's too late. And I'm not sure it matters to me enough anymore. It's difficult to have a full time job, try to write a book in your spare time, and have a relationship too. And I guess I'd rather have a relationship than write a book. It's the choice I made ten years ago. It's sad that I ended up with neither the relationship, nor the book. I don't know if I have enough drive anymore for any of it.

This morning, Java and I went skijoring and once again, there was no one at the park. We started with the loop that we stopped short of yesterday then did part of the loop we'd done before.

Java started out so good! She was running all out, staying straight, and not stopping to sniff at anything. I was having a blast racing along behind her. I can imagine how much fun it must be to be behind a team of sled dogs, although I like the aspect of skiing behind Java rather than just being pulled. And I'm getting much better at the skiing.

But as she tires, Java gets more distracted and I don't want to push her to the point where it's not any fun for her anymore. I kind of thought she would want to keep going and going but she does wear out. I guess she needs to condition herself too and will be able to go longer and farther as she builds up muscle and endurance.

There were two more people with a dog getting ready to hit the trail when Java and I were heading back to the car. I had to snowplow to keep Java from running to the other dog but then Java stopped and stood at her "line out" position. Yeah!

Java took a nap when we got home. She's snuggling with her little rubber chicken.

After lunch, Java and I went and picked up 10 bags of shavings. 

I had hoped to load a couple bags at a time into the wheelbarrow and wheel them into the barn, but the tire was flat. The tires on everything I use to haul stuff with are flat. I keep fixing them. And they keep going flat. Frustrating.

So I hauled the bags by hand as the horses supervised.

Mission accomplished.

While I worked, Java kept herself busy too.

I used to have a nice pile of branches by the shed. Java has successfully managed to redistribute them throughout the yard.

Taking Advantage of Fresh Snow

I took a mental health day today. Besides, I knew snow was coming and it would have been awful trying to get to work today.

Java and I went back to the park where we had gone for the skijoring clinics last weekend, and not a soul was there. Makes sense since it was still snowing and being pelted in the face was a little uncomfortable, plus, most people were working or in school. Poor saps...

Here is a mighty fine line out. "Good line out."

We were about half way around the course when I took this photo, and it's obvious Java was tiring after running most of the way.

I was skiing hard behind Java, breathing audibly and I could feel my heart thumping away. The snow was wet and sticky and it was tough going. I needed to use my poles often to keep myself upright when my skis stuck, while my upper body kept striding forward.

This isn't nearly as pretty of a trail as the one Java, Lynn, and I were on at Elm Creek, but because of that, even on the weekend, it's usually not very crowded and is a good place to train.

The parts that both Java and I enjoyed the most were the downhill sections. There were a series of hills that Java and I managed to get into a consistent straight forward racing mode. That was fun!

Slogging through sticky snow going uphill - not so much fun. We were both pretty happy when my Mini came into sight.

I did have one fall. Of course, I landed on my injured shoulder. It was not good. I'm icing and then going to take a hot shower. Next week I'm going to make an appointment to see a massage therapist and see if she can help alleviate some of the pain and maybe break up the scar tissue from old injuries. I'm pretty sure that last fall put in a new tear. Still planning on skijoring tomorrow though. I just will be sure to stay focused, as the fall was due to getting distracted, which was dumb on my part.

Tomorrow there's a City of Lakes Loppet (cross-country races) that includes a skijoring race. It would be fun to go to but I'm more of a doer than watcher. I'd love to go hang out with the people though. I'm finding that the people who do these kinds of sports with their dogs are a fun, friendly bunch of folks.

If you're interested, a news channel did a story in prep for the loppet that includes two videos that are a little goofy but do explain a few things and made me wish I'd gotten the skate skis. I thought I wouldn't physically be able to keep up that skating for very long, but I really think now that I could. Maybe next year...

You might also want to check out the story  (go to page 26) in Central Minnesota Women magazine that my friend Lynn wrote about her experience with the NaNoWriMo that we participated in. There's a photos of Lynn, Sue, and I with the story. I am definitely going to do NaNo again next year.

Cutting Big

Number 1 rule of surgery is limit exposure - keep your hands clean, your incision small and your wounds covered. Number 2 rule of surgery is that if rule number 1 stops working, try something else. Because sometimes you can't limit exposure. Sometimes the injury is so bad that you have to cut and cut big. In surgery, the healing process begins with a cut, an incision. the tearing of flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the sake of healing and when it's over, once the incision has been closed, you wait. You wait and hope that your patient will heal. That you haven't in  fact, just made everything worse.  
-- Gray's Anatomy (1/21/2010) 

One of the e-mails I received from Divorce Care recommended that people list all the losses they are feeling due to the divorce (this might also apply to other situations where you feel loss, like injuries or illness), big and small, they all need to be named and dealt with.

My initial reaction to that suggestions was why dwell on the bad stuff? Won't that just make me feel even worse? To stare at a whole, big, concrete list? Don't I want to just not think about it? Wouldn't coming up with a list of my blessings or good things that have happened in the past ten months be much better for me?

But I guess, like most things you try to bury and ignore, the things you lose in a divorce continue to fester and haunt you until you acknowledge their existence and bid them adieu. The list below isn't my complete list, because it was getting way too long, but a mix of some of the big and small things I came up with.

I have lost: 

• My husband, my life partner, the person I once considered my very best friend
• Trust
• Faith
• Confidence in my own intuition and judgement of people and situations
• Feeling that I was truly accepted and loved, and the comfort and warmth that goes with that feeling
• Family and friends that left with my husband
• Affection and sex
• Daily conversation about life and plans
• A shared love of music
• Shared decisions
• A sense of home and belonging
• Dreams of growing old together, and that sense of knowing and being known
• History, continuity, the feeling that comes from having journeyed through life experiences and stages together -- some of them pretty tough, some of them the best times of my life
• A person to "remember when" with
• The person I was and how I felt with my husband
• Physical and financial sense of safety and security
• The promise of retiring from my current job and finding another job doing something I really care about but, unfortunately, doesn't pay very well
• The calmness that comes from not worrying about every penny spent
• Eating out at nice places
• The extravagant vacation I was hoping to take for our 10th anniversary
• Ability to take vacations or see my family for the time being
• Acceptance, comfort, and inclusion that comes from being married or just from being part of a couple
• Schedule coordination and shared duties
• Fun of picking things out for the house together
• Humor that only we seemed to understand
• Actual heat in the winter
• Christmas and birthday presents to give and receive
• Going out dancing
• My karaoke partner
• My golf instructor
• My happily ever after story

Additional losses that will come when the house sells: 

• My dream of living in the country until I get dragged, kicking and screaming, to some stinkin' "senior" housing
• My beautiful kitchen and the joy of cooking in it
• My riding ring, which was the best birthday present I'd ever received
• Having my horse at home and the peace of mind of knowing he's safe and being well taken care of
• Being able to catch the horses doing something interesting and photographing it or just getting a good laugh
• Watching Java play with Luke, another good laugh
• Java's swimming pool, another source of amusement
• Being able to walk outside and just ride
• Being able to snowshoe, ski, and walk the dog without leaving my property
• Being able to have my horse trailer at home and keep all my tack and things safely and conveniently inside it
• Being able to see the stars so clearly at night
• And something difficult to describe - rootedness, peace, familiarity

I'm not saying I can never have any of those things again, although, currently, it feels like that might be the case. What I'm trying to say is that I need to say goodbye for now and the immediate future. I need to acknowledge some of it is gone for good.

A lot of tears have been shed in this effort. I guess grief is like that. You don't necessarily grieve once and it's done. Hopefully, it gets easier and less painful as time goes by and my life continues to fill up with other places, people, and experiences. But in order to let anything else in, I need to open my fingers, wrapped so tightly around the loss, and bid adieu.

Where Did the Weekend Go?

"Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness."  
~ André Gide,L'immoraliste

Today was another action packed day. Well, maybe not so much action, but busy anyway.

I was out of bread this morning so I baked a loaf and did a load of laundry. Then went to church for two hours. There's a women's bible study before the service but it's mainly a time to catch up on everyone's life with about 10 minutes spent on the lesson.

When I got home from church, I got in my outdoor clothes, loaded my ski and skijoring gear and went to the park again where the Skijor club was putting on another class. I think because the session didn't start until 1:00 PM, when it was 13 above, more people showed up with their dogs.

The instructor brought a 7 month old German shorthair pointer, greyhound mix, imported from Norway, specially bred for skijoring, from a line of international champions and worth $8000. The dog had an interesting way of moving that I can imagine will be very fast once he gets it down.

The rest of us were a hodge podge of breeds. There were lines attached to posts to work on doing the "line out".

And tires and other devices to get the dogs used to pulling something.

We spent more time on passing by each other, which Java still stinks at. After the seminar, Java and I took a walk on the ski trail, which is an archery range during the non-winter months. I didn't ski with Java because the trails were so icy. A young, experienced skijorer wiped out yesterday and landed on her forehead and had her face dragged across the icy paths. Not good. However, she still showed up again today with her dogs.

The trail at this park is not especially scenic but it's nice and wide and mainly dog people are on it so I think I'll come back with Java after we've worked on a few things at home. I was going to take photos of Java doing a "line out' in the hallway in the house, but she was pretty confused so we'll have to work on it more before I'll be hands-free enough to take a photo.

I also rigged up Java's leash to I can give her something to pull against but also have more control to steer her and pull her head up when she stops to sniff at something. We'll get this eventually.

There was another beautiful sunset tonight. 

And another load of laundry, dusting, vacuuming, washing dishes...fueled by...

I am so tired out, but it's a good tired.